


Year of Hell

by evening_spirit



Series: Year of Hell 'verse [2]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, F/M, Gen, warning: suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-08
Updated: 2011-06-08
Packaged: 2017-10-20 06:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/209628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evening_spirit/pseuds/evening_spirit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another attempt at "Lay Down Your Burdens" Missing Year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Year of Hell

SUMMARY: Another attempt at "Lay Down Your Burdens" Missing Year.

DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the  _Battlestar Galactica_ do not belong to me.

BETA: by Ammonite (aka ammonite7) who was my great friend throughout our adventure in BSG fandom. I will always remember you Karen, I hope you still enjoy writing and your adventures in the wild.

NOTE: This story starts after the scene between Lee, Kara and Anders in the bunkroom.

WARNING: suicidal ideation, sucidal attempts

***

 **Year of Hell**  
***

 **Chapter 1: Close Call**

 

***

Duty. There was always duty, and it wouldn't let him down.

Not that Kara did. She was her usual self. It was just him, who thought that maybe she could be different. Now, that she was happy and victorous, she could at least give him some respect. But did she ever? He shouldn't have expected that.

The Commander walked the long corridors of  _Galactica_ , returning salutes, and wishing he was somewhere else. Anywhere else. As far away as possbile.

He walked down to the brig, but the only cylon he found there was the same old Sharon. Lying on her bunk, with a pillow pressed against her stomach. Right where her large belly once was. A vivid picture of a loss. The guard informed Commander Adama, that there were two other cylons in fact, but they allready had been airlocked.

While he wasted time with the SAR commander.

This was an act unbecoming a Commander of a starship. He should have been here! He should have listened to what Helo was saying and hear the right things, not what he wanted to hear. Then he would make it on time to be here while his father interrogated the cylon brought from Caprica.

Feeling the acrid taste of anger and self-loathing deep in his throat, Lee returned to the upper levels of the battlestar. When he finally reached his father's quarters, he heard voices. The President's sounded confident, Colonel Tigh's was obviously upset, and the Admiral's soft and husky as always.

Lee stepped in and saluted.

"At ease, Commander. What can I do for you?"

"I came to Galactica as soon as I leaned that the SAR is on their way back. But from what I've heard, you gave them some downtime, before debriefing. Is that so?"

"Yes. We had more important matters to attend to first."

"Right. There was a cylon." Lee sincerely hoped nobody noticed bitterness in his voice. He never intended to sound bitter.

"That matter has already been solved" the President commented, apparently in no mood to explain her decisions once more.

Lee tightened his jaw, and gazed at his father. As the old man's scrutinizing eyes assessed his subordinate, Lee felt small and even more angry.

"There will be a thorough reports from both me and Colonel Tigh, if you wanted to read them" the Admiral said finally.

"Yes, sir, I would" Lee replied quickly. "In fact I would like to be present during the interrogation, but since..." he shut his mouth, realizing he let his feelings prompt his actions. He took a deep breath, and lowered his head. "I apologize. I will read the reports later" he said quietly, and shot a glance at Madam Roslin – who ignored him completely, fidgeting with the rim of her skirt – and at the XO – who only rose his eyebrows, and looked away.

So that's what he was to them. A little spoiled boy, who demanded attention, but was not invited into the grownups' games.

Now was not the time to call his father on it. Maybe later he would have a chance to ask the Admiral if he chose a son to be the Commander because of his skills, or because of the control he had over his own child.

It seemed Lee was being dismissed.

"Anything else, Commander?" indeed he was.

"No, sir. Or, actually... Yes. If you permit?" Lee waited a bit for the Admiral's nod. "Do you require my presence during the debriefing?"

Bill Adama furrowed his brows, and he obviously wanted to reply it was not necessary, but he changed his mind at the last moment. "Yes. We would be starting it at 1400. In the Briefing Room."

"Yes, sir."

"Dismissed."

"Yes, sir."

Commander Adama saluted and left.

Fourteen hundred hours. That gave him nearly two hours with absolutelly nothing to do. And that gave Kara enough time to get wasted beyond any coherence. He didn't want to think about the insubordinate Captain, but the image was oddly satisfying this time.

Dee was in the CIC, so there was no way to meet with her either.

With absolutely nothing to do, and no place to go, Lee wandered through the corridors of  _Galactica_ and allowed himself to think. He had learned to like this place. He had learned to call it home, since there was nothing else that could go by as home in the whole Universe. Every other home was destroyed. And this was his home no longer.

He had to learn to call  _Pegasus_ his home. Raised in the military and being military for many years now, he had thought it wouldn't be difficult. If you are an officer and get assigned to a post, you go there, serve there and get to love the ship you serve at. You get all your positive feelings to motivate you, because otherwise you are not sufficient. But somehow this was harder. Probably because of the end of the world.

After spending some time on the empty observation deck – it used to be crowded once – and telling his pilot to be ready to depart at 1700 hours – he didn't think debriefing would take longer – Lee went to the briefing room. He was the first to get there.

But soon a few members of SAR appeared, then there came the Admiral and the XO. And after waiting for fifteen minutes for Starbuck to show up, the Admiral asked Helo to brief them in.

After his thorough report some questions were asked, answered, other pilots and marines were debriefed too, and Starbuck didn't arive.

Admiral dismissed everybody at 1500 hours. Everybody, except for the Commander.

"Lee, wait a minute" he said in front of the Lieutenants and Colonel Tigh.

"Would you need me too, Bill?" XO asked, and  _Bill_ shook his head. Tigh turned to Lee with a quick nod, and left. So much for the respect for one higher in rank.

The Admiral sat back, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes tiredly. He gestured towards a seat, after a moment, when he realized Lee was still waiting. The Commander wanted to know what this was supposed to be about, but he wasn't intending to start the conversation, so they sat in silence for a while longer.

"So..." the father finally started. "How was Starbuck?"

"Starbuck?" The question surprised Lee, but not too much. "Drunk."

"No wonder she didn't show up."

The silence fell again, and Lee fought the urge to tell his CO how to deal with his frakked up CAG. But he managed to hold his anger in check.

"I noticed that you were upset about the cylon interrogation" the Admiral started after a while.

"That surprises you?" Lee heard his bitterness, and once again felt it was inappropriate. And completely unintended. He was losing control over his behavior.

"I'm not sure why it shouldn't" the statement was in a form of a question.

"I'm sorry, sir." Lee felt silly. And a little angrier. And with it came the need to explain himself. "I think I'm a little jumpy. Probably because I haven't slept well these last few nights."

"That's a lame excuse, Lee" the Admiral growled. "You think I've slept at all since SAR left? We were basically defenseless, I needed to be alert. I was really looking forward to some rack time at this moment, but instead I'm sitting here with you, because you seem to have an attitude." He gazed at his Commander again, and Lee felt his anger turn into fury. "I was expecting more of you. You're acting as if I left you out on purpose, and I don't understand why would you feel that? Things were happening fast, we needed to act, and there wasn't time to search for you. I'm  _explaining_ myself here, I hope you notice that" the Admiral stopped speaking for a moment long enough for the words to sink well into Lee's conscience. And Lee understood – a CO didn't need to explain himself to his subordinates. Ever. "I do it, because I feel you deserve it" his father added and those words made Lee feel even more furious. With himself this time. For being so stupid, and so selfish, and so childish. And for allowing himself to actually show his disappointment.

He realized his behavior had a lot to do with a certain blonde, and her harsh welcome, and that made it all even worse.

"That would be all, Commander" came soft words. "Return to your ship." With that the Admiral left the briefing room, and left Lee with his self-disgust, and some more anger.

His pilot was not available for the next two hours. And Lee really needed to get out of here. To go back home. To go some place where he could be alone, and cool down. He was losing it. He felt it – he was losing it.

"Prepare me a raptor" he ordered Tyrol.

"The raptor is ready, but Penguin..." Chief started explaining the obvious, but Lee didn't need to hear it.

"I know" he cut in. "Let her know I left, and tell her to take the next transport." Not waiting for a response, Lee strode towards the vehicle.

"You're going to pilot it?" Chief followed right behind.

"I'm a pilot in case you forgot" Lee spat. "And I have a clearance for raptors. Or do you need to see it on paper?" he added, feeling this was improper behavior and seeing it in Chief's face.

But the man had his duties, and was intending to carry them out, despite of an obvious dismissal. "You should wear a flight suit, sir" he reminded carefully, and that was just that one sentence too much for Lee to bear.

"I. Am. A pilot!" the Commander turned to Chief, and shouted straight into his face. "A viper pilot" he added through clenched teeth. "I don't need a deck hand to tell me how to fly a raptor."

As their eyes scanned each other, Lee felt really ugly inside. He lashed frustration, that was building in him the whole day, on an innocent Chief. He had no right to do this. He should apologize. But he didn't want to.

He turned to the raptor, boarded it, and was transported onto the pod.

Clearance for flight came from Dee. Anastasia. He didn't even make an effort to see her while onboard  _Galactica_. He should have waited those two hours, she was probably about to finish her shift. Damn, he could even return now, this made no sense!

But then – he got a direct order from the Admiral.  _Go back to your ship, Commander_. There was nothing else left.  _Your ship, your command_. Was that supposed to be all? Was there nothing more for him in the future? Apparently so.

He flew through the vacuum and wondered just how empty he was inside, if he felt no joy from the trust and esteem he was given. By his father, by his subordinates... well, most of them. Many people respected him, he earned it. He worked hard, and he earned it. But there was no satisfaction to it.

Myriads of stars surrounded the Fleet. Nearly sixty ships flew in formation with  _Galactica_ on one side, and his  _Pegasus_ on the other. His  _Pegasus_. He loved his ship. He had no choice.

But truth be told the Beast was prettier than the Bucket. Somehow it seemed more powerful, more stern. Well, it was. It was younger too. But somehow it was not enough to make it a place Lee would want to come back to.  _Galactica_ wasn't that place either. Not anymore.

Right now he didn't want to go back anywhere. He could stay here. In the midst of those myriads of stars. In this vacuum, so his, so familiar.

He remembered the feeling that engulfed him when he nearly suffocated back then, after the Blackbird crash. He stopped the raptor.

Not that he wanted to do any of this, but his hands, his fingers on the controls of the raptor somehow danced, turning switches on, and off. Somehow environmental controls started flashing red, somehow the hatch hissed, and the cabin depressurized. The air was running out swiftly, and Lee watched it with growing terror. How much time he had left? Minutes, seconds? If he opened the hatch it wouldn't even be that, he would be sucked out in an instant.

" _You have to stay"_ Dee had said, though he couldn't remember when. _"You have to really stay."_

"I'm sorry, Dee" he whispered.

And he got really scared. Really scared...

He didn't want to die.

Not this time.

As pain hit his chest, and dizziness overwhelmed him, Lee fought his dimming mind and managed to seal the hatch, and restore the atmosphere in the cabin.

And then he fainted.

When he came round, it couldn't be more than a few minutes later. Nobody was calling him to give his position, his raptor didn't crash into any of the ships flying close by. Nothing happened. Nothing.

He turned the vehicle around and headed for the proud, shiny form of his  _Pegasus_.

 

***

 **Chapter 2: Day By Day**

***

President Roslin won the election. Then she lost it. There was something odd about it, but neither she nor the Admiral said a word. Lee knew his father well enough though, to realize that the old man was in turmoil. He left his son out of it again, but this time – surprisingly – it didn't matter. Not many things mattered.

President Baltar was sworn in, the order to start settling on New Caprica was given and followed,  _Cloud Nine_ was nuked. Late at night, sitting alone in silence in his quarters Lee wondered if Siobhan and Paya still lived there. He said a quick prayer to Hades to grant them safe passage, just in case. He'd never been religious, but it somehow seemed like the right thing to do.

Civilians started moving down to the planet. The Admiral assigned most of the pilots to the raptors and shuttles; some ships that were capable of landing on the surface were grounded. About ten thousand people – one fourth of the entire population – were in this first wave of settlers.

Pilots wanted to go planetside as well. Lee – the Commander – was well aware of that, but wasn't aware to what extent, until one day he overheard Stinger and Thumper talking in the gym.

"I wouldn't hesitate a heartbeat, if I was given a chance" Stinger grunted when they entered; Lee was on his back bench pressing. He had no idea what the pilots were talking about and he didn't intend to listen.

But the twosome chose to sit on the stationary bikes that stood nearby. They still hadn't recognized their Commander.

"I thought you were devoted to your job" Thumper teased. "Like: Stinger would be the last person to ever leave the  _Pegasus_."

"You got it wrong, Steve." Stinger stopped talking. Silence got heavy, but finally he broke it. "You know when was the last time I set foot on a solid ground? It was nearly two years. I was about to have a week of vacation in a month… my first vacation in a year… When the cylons attacked. And now, here we are, orbiting a planet; people are moving to live there, and I can't. Because I am a fraking CAG! Because we are  _chosen_ to protect those fraking civies, who get to have a life! Frak!" Stinger smacked the handle-bar so hard, he hissed from pain.

"Did you break something?"

"Wish I did. I might be declared unfit for active duty… Hey man" he suddenly called. "You need a hand with that?" Lee realized his CAG was calling him, apparently having just noticed he could use a spotter. His right arm was slowly refusing to cooperate from exertion, and it was about time to end the exercise.

"No, thanks" he replied, putting the bar on it's holder and sitting up, facing the two pilots. He nodded politely towards them, and they shot a sharp salute, recognizing him. This was awkward. Lee knew they were both racing through their minds, trying to remember what exactly each of them said, and he could tell them nothing wrong or disrespectful had been mentioned. Instead he just got up and left. Let them continue their conversation.

He knew exactly where Stinger was coming from with his bitterness and anger. He, himself, had had barely two weeks of service onboard  _Atlantia_ when he had arrived at  _Galactica's_ decommissioning ceremony. He had already transferred to Colonial Fleet Reserves, but had needed to serve those couple of weeks due to some previous vacations and off days. He had been about to start his road out of military. And now here he was – commanding a battlestar.

He had a shower and changed into a uniform before his meeting with Major Balder. They were discussing engine repairs –  _Pegasus_ was still not one hundred percent after the Battle of Binary Star System – when she noticed his mind-absence. He decided to tell her what he heard in the gym.

"And that surprises you?" she asked incredulously. "Those people suffered a lot. We've been through Hades, all alone, devoid of hope. They are all on the verge. All of them."

Lee gazed at her. Riana Balder was not an emotional person – she was collected and rational. But in her words he heard passion. Compassion. For her men. And there was pain in her eyes.

"We've all been through a lot" he replied softly.

"You can't compare the Fleet's situation,  _Galactica's_ situation, to the one we've had on  _Pegasus_ " she retorted angrily. "You had forty thousand people, you had a purpose, a plan for the future: Earth. All we've had was a suicide mission to kill as many cylons as we could, before getting killed ourselves!"

"They  _are_ your family aren't they?" Lee noticed thoughtfully. " _Pegasus_ is a family just as much as  _Galactica_ is."

"You thought we wouldn't be?" her expression softened a little.

"And you're trying to protect them from me?"

Riana fell silent, and just watched him for a moment, trying to find the right response. She was honest, he valued that. She would not feed him with bullshit, especially on a matter as important as this.

"I guess I was" she admitted. "I guess you're still an outsider here. And I do hope that will change." She was sincere. Lee nodded, showing his appreciation.

"What else can't be repaired in the near future?" he asked, returning to the subject.

"We didn't manage to restore all the programming in the flight simulators."

"Does it mean we'll not be training nuggets? We may not need to, given the sudden peace from the cylons, but it would be better to be prepared." Lee hated being a bad prophet, but he couldn't bring himself to trust this sudden change in cylon politics.

"I think it won't be that bad" Riana shrugged. "We need those training courses, but we can slow down, that's true. Hey, Starbuck managed to train nuggets without any simulators at all."

Lee winced inwardly at the mention of his former friend. He did not even realize he missed her.

"She's  _Galactica's_ CAG now" he sighed. "We can't ask her to come here for the classes and then do her job over there…"

"Commander!" Riana chuckled. "We don't need Starbuck here – Showboat is a pretty good teacher too. What I meant is that if one person managed, others can too."

"Ah" Lee replied, caught off guard. He did value Starbuck more than anyone else, that was true. He did think of her as irreplaceable.

"Do you see now, what I mean by you being an outsider?" the XO asked softly, sympathetically. "You still consider  _Galactica's_ people as your people. You still think higher of them than of those who now serve under you, and to whom you should be like a father."

Lee sighed again. She had a point, of course. Pretending she was mistaken was not good. Saying that he couldn't be a good father served no purpose either. Maybe he did not have a good example of a father in his life, but he sure had a perfect example of a good military Commander. He had to try harder, that's all.

"But I'm not saying we couldn't use Starbuck" Riana added with a smile. "She could give Showboat a few hints after all."

Kara came to his battlestar the next day in the morning. Lee was indecisive whether he should give her an order to contact Captain Case the first – and only – thing; or if he should talk to her about the _Pegasus'_ command request in person. Eventually he decided for the later, and thought it was a mistake the moment she stepped through the hatch.

Her face was an emotionless mask, her voice formal, her pose way too respectful for the Starbuck he used to know – and like. He knew now that he used to like her disobedience. They hadn't met more than a couple of times since her return – and since that unfortunate welcome – and each time she'd been this resentful, as if  _he_ had done something wrong. He was fed up with it.

So instead of giving her a formal order, he decided to call her on it. Though it was probably just another mistake.

"At ease. What's your problem, Kara?" he asked.

Her respectful mask dropped for a split second, but then was right back on.

"Is this question the reason I was summoned to  _Pegasus_ , sir?"

Frak her! "No" Lee replied calmly. "The reason will be explained later. Meanwhile drop the 'sir' and answer my question.  _Kara_. How did I possibly offend you?"

She finally looked at him. Really looked, and in her eyes he saw genuine hurt. He was at a complete loss – he could find no reason for her to feel hurt by him.

"When you said…" she started hesitantly. "When I was leaving…for Caprica… You said you hoped I'd find him." She waited a second, and he nodded. "I thought you meant it."

"I did."

"Well, I found him" she looked at the floor. "I'm back, I found him, and I was… I was kind of hoping you would come to meet him. I wanted…" she choked. And she couldn't go on, so she just stood there, watching the tips of her shoes, unable to voice what she wanted.

Lee was stunned. Speechless. Completely flabbergasted.

"I…came" he blurted out finally.

"You…did?" She looked up nervously.

"Yes. On the very first day, the very… You were…" Lee stopped. He didn't want to stutter in front of her. "You don't remember, do you?"

"No" her voice was so small, and she was so vulnerable, as he'd seen her only a couple of times before. "But I…I thought I had that dream in which you came and…" she stopped and eyed him, but he wasn't going to help her with this one. He just waited for her to continue. "You kind of…went all alpha male on Sam." She sputtered, and Lee's eyes widened in shock.

"I went alpha…what… It was rather you, who went all alpha-female on Dee!" he screamed. "Or didn't that get into that dream of yours!"

She crumbled under his rage. "It did" she admitted in a small voice. "So that really happened?"

"Frak, yes!"

"Sorry."

They stood there, looking at each other – Lee breathing hard; his shoulder started hurting acutely. Kara looking at him – apology personified. How could he not forgive her when she looked like that?

He sighed heavily, and wiped his face. He couldn't let her get away with this so easily. "I need you to meet with Captain Case now" he started, picking Showboat's conspectus from his desk.

But Kara was persistent. "Lee, please… We can't…be like that. Please. I am sorry, I'm truly sorry, I can't remember exactly, but I think I wasn't fair. I'm sorry" she repeated once more. That was odd,  _she_ was odd. Talking about what she wanted, apologizing… And Lee knew exactly where that change came from. Anders. Finding him was like  _katharsis_ for her. A life-altering experience – a proof that she was not a complete frak-up. He couldn't destroy her barely emerging self-confidence.

"Okay" he nodded with resignation.

"Friends?" she held out her hand to him and he took it. What else was he supposed to do?

"Friends."

She smiled at him broadly, and all he felt was regret and anger. He did let her get away with this. Easily. Again. But he smiled too.

"We can't get flight simulators on-line" he went straight to business, not trusting his own emotional state at the moment. "You have the experience of training nuggets without such aids, so we thought you could give Case a few tips. Here's her idea of getting through with the course." He handed her the papers, and she took them, watching him closely. He was aware of her stare, but tried to pretend it didn't bother him. "Take a look at this, talk to her, and work out some new ways of training. We're not going to need as many pilots as before now that we're at peace, but both the Admiral and I want to keep the forces up and running, so top standards are still expected."

"Sure" she replied, and Lee noticed her formality was all gone. Her attitude changed drastically within seconds, and it didn't make him as happy as he hoped it would. "You're overworked here, Adama" she said then, and absolutely startled him. She chuckled, apparently the look on his face was funny. "You're getting dull. Being the Commander must be tough?" she asked with mock-seriousness.

"It is."

"Right." She nodded. And added with a grin: "You probably forgot how to fly a viper through all this."

Lee sighed, trying to cover up an eerie coldness that sneaked through his backbone, and hoping she wouldn't notice. "It's not what I do now…"

She didn't notice. "Oh, I know." She waved her hand, dismissively. "Duty and all. Yeah, you wouldn't probably differ pitch from trigger now that you're riding a batttlestar."

"Right." Somehow that comment nearly made him laugh. Laugh nervously; she was making him nervous.

Kara looked up, and continued pressing him. "Could you?" she sounded genuinely surprised, but he recognized that play, he knew where she was headed. "I bet you forgot how to fly, and you wouldn't beat me in a race. But then – you never could." She smiled smugly, and very Starbuck-ly

"Starbuck" his return smile was stiff, as he poked at the papers in her hand. "The meeting."

"Hm, the meeting." She saluted. "I'm on my way, but um…" She hesitated once again, before turning away from him. She looked up with a mischievous spark in her eyes. "That's a challenge, Adama. You don't just turn down a good challenge."

With that she spun finally and strode out of his quarters, confidence radiating from her. A challenge. Sometimes she was so childish. But Lee had to admit that her attempt at redemption was somehow refreshing. He felt as if a little of the weight he carried on his shoulders these days had been lifted.

 

***

 **Chapter 3: Only The Intent**

 

***

Some awakenings were worse than others. But some awakenings were simply dire. The thought of getting up, having a shower, getting dressed, getting… too much. That was just too much. On some mornings it would be better not to wake up at all.

So Lee pretended he hadn't awakened. He lay unmoving, his eyes open. Not thinking, not dreaming. In some kind of abeyance.

His senses detected movement to his side. Noise of someone's sigh. Voice saying gruffly "Good morning." Smile in her voice. Wetness of her kiss on his cheek. "How did you sleep?" He did not move. He did not exist, but she continued "I slept great." His eyes observed her stretching her arms, the muscles on her back moving smoothly under her soft skin. Thick black hair caressing that skin. Then she turned to face him with playful smirk in her green eyes. "That was a great idea I had, with this courier trip, wasn't it?" And she kissed him on the lips.

That's when she noticed his stillness. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing" he forced himself to answer.

"Hmm" She got up with a sigh, rolled over him, hurt that tender spot on his chest. His left hand wandered to touch the scar involuntary. She continued her rambling with her back turned to him. "I got promoted, you know. Frankly – I thought you'd notice, but you were far to busy undressing me yesterday, to notice what you were taking off of me. I'm an ensign now. You're sleeping with an officer now, Commander." She turned to him, already clad in her dress-uniform top.

She was wrong, he had noticed it last night. He just hadn't felt like talking about their jobs any more. That would lead to the reasons why she'd been promoted, and that to another issue, and another. So many of them he'd wanted to be free of for a moment. He'd been tired of it.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, worried, and he followed her gaze to his own palm, resting on the shot site on his chest.

He took it back as if the skin burned him. As if he felt guilty of showing her his weakness. "No."

"Lee" she was genuinely concerned. "It shouldn't be hurting any more" she whispered. "Did you talk to Cottle about it?"

"I'm under Ishay's supervision while onboard  _Pegasus_. And I'm taking pain killers. They help," he said flatly, trying to discourage her from dragging on the subject.

She shrugged and returned to getting dressed. "The shuttle leaves in half an hour, so I have to hurry to CIC. Do you think Major Balder prepared that list of transfers?"

"I'm sure she did," Lee replied. He just wanted her to go away, so he could snuggle up in the sheets on his bed and fall back to sleep. He didn't want to be conscious.

"You're not getting up?"

"Later"

He heard her sigh, then he felt her leaning over him, and kissing him on the forehead. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah" he forced himself to smile reassuringly, but had a feeling she was not fooled this time.

But she couldn't stay. Duty called. "I'll see you later."

"See you."

When the hatch hissed close he turned on his side, and the pain soared through the muscle. Dee was right; it shouldn't be hurting any more, but it did. Cursing under his breath he rose, and reached for the pills. His hands shook and instead of just one, a few of them fell on his palm. It suddenly felt tempting; no more dire awakenings. A few more…a whole bottle…

"Commander Adama, please report to CIC! Pass the word to Commander Adama. Commander, please report to CIC."

Lee gazed at the emptied pill bottle in his hand. CIC was calling him, and he just…

He rushed to the bathroom and threw up the contents of his stomach. What the frak was he doing! What was going on with him? It was so irresponsible!

He dressed himself, feeling his whole body shaking; he had trouble buttoning up his uniform tunic. He'd been so stupid! If someone found him… and that bottle. What would they think? What would that do to the morale of his ship, of the whole Fleet if the Commander…

There was Dee in the CIC, but he couldn't make himself look her in the eye. He came straight to Major Balder, who awaited him with a serious face.

"Report."

"Stinger crashed, sir. On landing approach."

"Returning from CAP?" Lee was stunned. Such an experienced pilot? Crashed? "How on Kobol! It wasn't even a combat landing!"

"Well actually it was. He was practicing combat landings with some nuggets. He wanted to show them how to do it."

"Stinger? Where was Showboat?"

"He was filling in for her; she requested a day off."

Lee gazed at his XO for a moment, remembering their conversation from a few days before. And Stinger's conversation with Thumper.  _They are all on the verge_.

"He did it on purpose?" he whispered for Major's ears only.

She didn't understand at first. "What?" But then it downed on her, and she seemed almost offended. "No. Not Stinger, I'm sure of it. He's not that kind of person" she hesitated. "He's been tired though."

"Major! Commander," a young Petty Officer run to them. "I got a note from the Life Station – Stinger's made it, they are stabilizing him now."

"I'll go…" Lee turned to leave, but he felt Balder's hand on his elbow.

"Commander, please" she requested. "Let me deal with it. Crew status is an XO's job anyway."

Lee looked at her, and then he consented. She was right, besides he wasn't strong enough to deal with that amount of stress at the moment.

"Sir?" Dualla approached, startling him. "I believe the raptor won't be starting anytime soon, the flight deck…"

"Yes, Petty Officer…" he caught himself, and corrected immediately: "Ensign. You may wait in my quarters, I'll let you know when you can get off."

He didn't want to talk, to discuss anything with anyone. He had to stay in CIC anyway, or he needed to oversee the damage on the flight deck and the repairs. He had a job to do. Dee lingered, but she realized there was no place for her in the CIC of the ship she did not serve on.

Lee immersed himself in his job, and forgot about his morning slip-up for nearly the whole day. Until late in the afternoon, when he went to visit Stinger in Life Station. Nothing worse than a mild concussion and a broken arm, but Lee ordered Stinger to sign up for the second wave of settlers to New Caprica that was due to leave in a few days. It already consisted of many of the finest people from both  _Pegasus_ and  _Galactia_.

Gaeta resigned, which was one of the reasons Dee was promoted; Chief Tyrol, Cally, Peter Laird –  _Pegasus_ deck chief, some engineering staff, some weapons maintenance, five pilots from Galactica, three from Pegasus – now four. Stinger objected at first, but one petrifying "Adama glare" was enough to convince him.

And then Lee went to talk to Doctor Ishay about Stinger, and she casually asked how his shoulder was.

For a second Lee couldn't speak, he felt as if he was choking, but he managed to hold himself steady.

"Well, actually…" he tried to speak, after taking a deep breath, and was surprised how relaxed his voice sounded. "I ran out of pain meds, I could use some more, if you…"

"Already?" Ishay looked up, obviously stunned. "The record says you got a new bottle just…" She checked. "Four days ago?" She eyed him expectantly, and he felt sick. He was scared his legs would give out right then and there, and he would collapse. "Are you overdosing?" she asked when he didn't respond. So she didn't guess correctly. He could… He could make something up.

"No, I kind of… spilled them" he tried, and her questioning stare forced him to continue. "I was sleepy in the morning, and dropped the opened bottle - straight into the toilet." It sounded incredibly stupid.

But somehow the Doctor let him lead her on. "We can't afford to lose medications like that, sir." Apparently she thought that was the reason for his obvious guilt. Lee felt ugly inside, he didn't mean to deceive her like that. He really liked Layne Ishay – she was the one who saved his father's life after all. That earned her this special tutoring by Doctor Cottle, and this special position of full Doctor onboard  _Pegasus_ now. Lee wondered if she cursed her luck just as much as he cursed his; half of the medical team of  _Galactica_ was moving planetside too, along with the great Cottle himself. Lost in his thoughts, Lee barely registered her comment. "I shouldn't give you the next bottle now as a form of punishment."

He gave her a guilty look. "Perhaps you shouldn't…" Then he wouldn't be tempted… He should tell her. He knew he should tell her what he did this morning.

"But you need to be fit for duty" she commented, and the brief moment in which he was almost able to confess, passed. She continued, completely unaware of her patient's inner turmoil. "I spoke to Doctor Cottle about you, and we need to run some tests. It's possible that the bullet damaged some nerve in your muscle. That might be causing the pain. But we need to make sure. So, whenever you have time. The sooner the better…"

Of course. Lee agreed to come and see her right after the second group of settlers left for the surface, though she said she'd prefer it to be before. But then, she had to start dealing with her job without Cottle holding her hand.

The next morning's awakening was – surprisingly – not worse. After the briefing with the XO, the Commander was supposed to talk to the pilots about the previous day's accident and it's aftermath. But to his surprise he found the pilots in good spirits, laughing over something in one of the back rows. They didn't notice him until he was standing right behind their backs. That thing that had them so interested seemed to be some kind of a poll.

"Commander on deck!" Penguin shouted suddenly, and they all snapped to attention, Thumper snatching the paper from the table and hiding it behind his back.

"At ease" Lee said. "What have you got there, Thumper?"

"Uh, sir?"

"Hand it over, Lieutenant."

Thumper cast a glance at his comrades, and reluctantly handed Commander the sheet he was hiding.

One glance was enough for Lee to realize that they were betting Apollo against Starbuck in a race. Frakking Starbuck! She had been trying to get him to that stupid challenge several times – saying it would simply be fun, or appealing to his ambitions – but he kept turning her down. A half a year ago she would have had him on her plate, and he would have kicked her ass in the air, but now… he just didn't want to. He just didn't care if she was better or not. But she didn't hear him. It looked like Starbuck wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

"There's no race" he informed his pilots coldly. "I'm glad to have the names of the gamblers though. No repercussions this time, but I don't want to see a hazard on my ship ever again. Take your seats; we're going to talk about your CAG."

As soon as he was done – and he had a bad feeling that morale didn't jump up after his speech – he summoned Starbuck to  _Pegasus_. She was not surprised at all. In fact she seemed to be better informed about the purpose of this meeting than he was.

"I spoke to the Admiral already" she begun after a very informal salute she gave him. "Stinger frakked up royally! And given how many pilots want to leave, we will not need two air groups soon."

Lee wasn't sure what she meant. "There are only… what? Nine people leaving."

"Nine people were allowed" she explained. "But many more requested. At least on  _Galactica_ ; I turned them down. I bet Stinger did the same here, he hadn't told you?" she asked, surprised, but covered it up immediately with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Oh, never mind. What do you think?"

Lee blinked. He had no idea what she was referring to.

"The Admiral's idea" she chimed in. "Of joining two air groups? What? It's not about that?" she appeared surprised.

"Apparently he didn't consider it appropriate to include me on that information" Lee admitted bitterly.

"Oh, he just came up with the idea." Kara started explaining the Old Man, as if he needed an advocate. "I'm sure he needs to think it over, before he makes some decisions. It was just a thought spoken aloud, in fact. I simply assumed that he spoke to you, and that's why you called me in. So… why did you anyway?"

Lee just took the paper he had taken from the pilots and placed it on the table in front of her. She picked it up, her brows furrowed. Then her face lit up in a smile as she realized what she was looking at.

"Oh, frak me! We're actually going head-to-head on  _Pegasus_!"

"It isn't funny, Kara."

"It isn't? Oh c'mon! They must respect you here after all, if they bet you so high. You know – they actually think you could win. Look how many people bet on you!" She put the poll under his nose, but he made no move to acknowledge whatever she wanted to show him.

"I'm not doing it" he said evenly, looking straight at her. "There isn't going to be a race."

"They could share some of that faith they have in you, that might even give you a chance." Kara shrugged, and continued staring at the polls, shaking her head with disbelief. Then she looked up at him. "You think you can gain something with taking that away?" She waved the paper. "There is a second poll going on  _Galactica_. And frak me, Lee, I bet a fortune on myself. Well, Anders did. But…Dee bet on you. She'll be disappointed."

"Listen…"

"No. You listen" she interrupted and Lee thought there was no stopping her. This was Starbuck after all. This was no Dee, who kept asking "are you sure you're okay?" This was Starbuck, who was jumping to conclusions – wrong ones most often, like the one that he needed to be kicked in the butt – and who hated standing idly by. She got an idea, so she kept charging like a battering ram. "There's one more pool" she kept informing him, "in question - if the race will take place before the second departure or after. And I bet on the former again, so I expect you to stand up and let me win this one at least, if you claim you can kick my ass in the air. Let's see how true that is!"

"Kara…"

"Oh, c'mon, I'll go easy on you. I know it's been a while since you…" she stopped suddenly, her brows wrinkled in surprise again. "Wait a minute! You haven't flown since the Blackbird, have you?"

Lee did not answer. He didn't have to.

"Oh, frak me Lee, so that's why they are t…" she caught herself. "Um… I mean…"

But he guessed what she meant to say. "Talking? Who's talking about what Kara?" he asked slowly, standing up.

"Nothing" she tried to cover up. "Really, what are you…" but she knew better than that. She stopped and gazed at him, begging him not to push. He expected answers though. "They think you're afraid."

"Of flying?" Lee asked, felling his stomach squirm, and she nodded silently. "Who? Pilots? On  _Galactica_ or on  _Pegasus_?"

"Well… I heard it on  _Pegasus_ several times, though looking at this poll…" she indicated the paper she still held in her hand. "But some people from  _Galactica_ were talking too. I just told them to shut it, so I haven't heard it any more." She lowered her head, speaking this final part in a really soft voice.

Lee nodded slowly, though she wasn't looking at him. He knew this was to be expected – sooner or later someone would catch up on his avoidance of flying. Being a Commander was a good excuse, but people on  _Galactica_ had gotten to know him well, and they knew Apollo couldn't live without flying. And yet he did. Other pilots must have found it surprising.

"I'm going to have to prove them wrong" he sighed.

"You don't have to prove anything!" Starbuck – his ex-wingman – exclaimed in his defense. He felt grateful that she was on his side in this as in anything else, but she was also wrong.

"I have to do it Kara, it's my duty." He couldn't let his pilots believe their Commander was a coward – that could be bad for morale. "And actually you should be glad" he added, "you just got what you wanted. There will be a race."

She looked at him, speechless for a second.

And then "Wow!" her face broke into a wide grin. "Really? That's my Apollo! I knew there was a spark of ambition left in you – you're going to prove all those frak-ups wrong. That's the spirit!" She laughed that contagious laughter of hers, shoving him in the shoulder.

But he did not return her laugh, and she noticed.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"Frak nothing. What is it Adama?" she looked him intently in the eye. He could almost see gears in her head turning and turning swiftly. "What was it you said?" she remembered. "It's your duty? You're doing it just out of sense of duty?" she asked incredulously, but also with concern.

He waited a moment, wondering if he should really drag her into this. But then he remembered – she was his wingman. "That's all I have left" he admitted finally.

t.b.c.

Coming next... Yes, there should be some "frakking in the sky", if I'm only able to pull it off...

***

 **Chapter 4: The Best**

 

***

Perhaps that was the way. When Stinger crashed, no one thought about suspecting him of an intentional act. No one would suspect the Commander either. The precious morale would be safe if he chose this way out…

Lee touched the wing of his viper. It felt hard and cold.

The weirdest thing was that he nearly was not allowed to fly at all. After all the struggle he'd been through – first within himself, then while testing his reflexes, accuracy of aim, strength – Lane Ishay told him his breathing effiiciency was too low.

"You can't be serious!" he had told her.

"The bullet penetrated your lung, and…" she'd wanted to explain, but he had stopped her. He had told her to let him fly, begged her, appealed to her compassion, saying he'd overcome his own fear of flying and now she was about to ruin that. Finally he had told her what he'd told Starbuck – that he needed to do this for his men – for morale. And to that Doc Ishay consented; but only because this was not combat flying.

What could be expected was that the Admiral – independently – shared the Commander's sentiment. He also thought that this race would mean a lot to the military people who were stranded at their posts. So the race was supposed to be only a part of a huge ceremony that was fixed. A send-off ceremony dedicated to the people who were going to live on the surface; the one that meant little to them, but was apparently important to all the officers, marines, and crews of the two battlestars. The Admiral even let the gambling proceed, pretending complete unawareness of it. If Lee had been the one to make that decision, he wouldn't have allowed it, but he trusted that his father was a wise leader.

The Commander wondered how many of those people would leave the military if given a choice. And how many of them had that almost organic drive to service? He knew that his father was most certainly one of the latter, and he also knew that the Admiral expected his son to feel the same way. It didn't matter though, because the two Adamas were the only really indispensable people in the military. Everybody else could be replaced – even Stinger as it turned out. His position was to be taken over by Showboat, or maybe even Starbuck, while there wasn't anyone qualified to command a battlestar, besides the two of them. Lee felt he was the one and only person not allowed to make a choice. So he had only one way out of the misery that his life had become.

As he gazed at the shining covering of his viper a thought flashed through his mind - that by taking this road, he would be leaving his father in a very distressing situation. But then he heard familiar footsteps, and a voice calling:

"You're supposed to be suiting up." He would recognize that voice everywhere. "We're due to start in fifteen minutes."

Kara. He looked into her smirking eyes and realized something he hadn't thought about. Knowing her…by taking this road he would most likely make her feel responsible. He felt a chill in his bones. He could not allow that, he had to let her know that she had nothing to do with his choices.

"Kara, if I…" he started speaking, and realized his mouth was dry as paper, his voice harsh. He swallowed and looked at her. "If I don't make it back, please, don't blame yourself, okay?"

"Lee!" she shivered, her eyes widened, and her hand went to squeeze his arm. "You're going to make it just fine, don't be…"

"No" he cut in, "it's not that, Kara. I'm not afraid, it's just… I have all those responsibilities. My people, my crew…I have to remember to be a good example. They're the only reason I'm still around, you know." He lowered his head, wasn't able to look her in the eyes any more. He continued in a whisper: "Because it would be fatal for the morale if the Commander just…gave up. So I can't give up. But this way…" His fingers touched the wing again. "No one would know. This would just be an accident. Accidents happen. Everyone would say I wasn't ready to fly…"

"Stop it" she breathed out, and an odd edge in her voice startled him, made him look up. In her eyes he recognized panic. "Stop it right there. What are you talking about?" She was shaking her head and mouthing some mute words. Finally she regained her voice, though it was faint, a whisper. "You can't do that. You can't… and this way? Not ready to fly? Of course I would blame myself! In fact I already…" she stopped, breathless once more. And then: "Alright!" Suddenly she raised her hands in a 'give up' gesture. "Alright, you got it. We're not doing it. I'll back off, I'll say… I don't know what I'll say, but your honor is safe, don't worry. We're not going to fly!"

She turned around and started walking away.

"Kara" Lee gasped. This was the turn of events he had not expected. "Kara, please, I don't…" he called after her, and when she did not stop he ran a few steps, and grabbed her arm. "Listen. Kara listen to me!"

"No, you listen!" she burst out. "I already killed your brother, because he was not ready to fly, but he did, because I let it happen. How could you think I wouldn't…" She was so emotional about it, her voice shook, her hands shook, her eyes were welling up.

Lee felt so ugly inside. How could he be so careless, how could he hurt her so much? Unintentionally, but that didn't make her pain any less.

"I'm sorry, Kara" he whispered, nearly crying himself. "I didn't think about this, alright? I didn't think, I just…" and then he changed his plans "I'll make it, okay? Let's suit up, and let's go out. Okay? I'll make it. I'll make it back" he said firmly. "I promise."

"I don't…" she hesitated, gazing at him with her eyes so big, so green.

"Kara. We can't back off now" he reasoned.

"We can't" she nodded.

"So let's…"

She nodded again, and headed towards the locker room, with him right at her side. She stopped after a few steps though, and looked up at him. "But you can't do that, you know?" she asked with her eyebrows drawn. "You have to…  _want_ to come back."

Lee swallowed hard. He didn't want to. What she demanded of him was impossible. So he lied. "I will… I want… for you." At least that was true "Because I can't let you…" he stammered. "I don't… never did… blame you for Zak. Don't want you to be blamed for me. You know I'm sincere?"

"Yeah" she nodded and a faint smile danced on her lips. "Okay. Let's go."

Lee sighed. Here it was – another way out – closed for him.

A light in the tunnel. A lone star at the end of the launching tube.

"Nav-con green. Interval check. Mag-cap ready. Thrust positive and good luck."

And a breathtaking pressure when the viper is pulled towards the end of the tunnel. The ribs of tunnel construction swooshing by faster and faster until the eye is unable to perceive them, and they become a blur.

And then as the viper thrusts out of the tube the only reminder of this speed is the feeling of pressure on the pilot's chest. Thrusters on, the plane still moving forward at high speed. And nothing but the air around.

Air. Funny thing they still call it air, when there's no particle of oxygen or nitrogen all around. Oh, maybe one particle per cubic centimeter. What is that? Nothingness, emptiness. Lee remembered once more – there's no air. There's vacuum. Don't fright, no, don't fright.

A viper flew by him, dancing in a silent ballet, in endless pirouette.

"Apollo, this is Starbuck. You ready?"

"Let me get a feel for it first."

"Take your time. I'll kick your ass anyway!" she laughed.

And then her bird backflipped, and rolled over to him, closing nearer and nearer in – what seemed to be – an out-of-control stumble… At the last moment she spun, and put her steel monster in formation at his wing.

He did not cringe. He knew she was going to do that – try to frighten him, only to place herself in a perfectly parallel position. Lee looked to his right and saw her helmet turned to him. With a little effort – and pushing his bird a little closer to her – he could see her face; lips smirking, but eyes wary. She did not relax yet, she feared for him.

He plunged forward, flipped on his nose, and put himself in a position in front of her. A dangerous move he would not dare with anyone else. Anyone unable to read his mind like she did in the air. But she did read his mind, and she pulled her bird nearly to a stop. Vipers' noses were a few feet apart, and for a brief second they were looking in each other's faces. Until she dove below him, and passed his ship barely inches away. He did not need to correct his position – he trusted she would not scratch him.

As she was diving though, he pulled back, and rolled over. As he lowered – or raised – his bird, he could see her really close. He was right above her – or she right above him, it depended on the perspective. He was flying backwards, and she was slowly going forward. Their canopies nearly touched. He raised his hand for a second and brushed the transparent plastiglass that separated them. She did the same. Fingers touched; only they didn't.

And then – a blink of an eye, silent communication – and the ships separated. She moved backwards, he flew away from her. Now she was the one to roll over, and they were side by side again.

Lee looked around, and – quite surprised – noticed that the Fleet was away, far below them. They got so immersed in their dance, that they forgot about the outside world. She noticed the same and laughed lightly.

"We gotta go back, Apollo!"

"Pre-run then. I'll see you outside  _Galactica's_ observation deck!"

He dove, nose down, towards the bunch of ships. Full forward, and he outraced her at first. But of course she was Starbuck, and Starbuck wasn't easy to beat. A second later she was at his tail, five seconds later her nose was at his wing. He searched for  _Galactica_ , but Starbuck saw her a split second earlier, and she turned toward the ship. Lee had to follow now.

G-forces pressed hard on his chest, and he started feeling lightheaded. Started losing breath. He slowed down, this was not the official race after all. His breathing efficiency was too low – he remembered Ishay's words. This was no combat flying, this was for pure pleasure. Only he was too tense to fully experience that pleasure, even if sitting in the cockpit felt so familiar, so right.

Starbuck was just outside the observation deck when he arrived there. It was crowded, they could see rows and rows of heads. Somebody was waving, but it was hard for the pilots to distinguish faces from such distance. When Apollo got there, Starbuck in a truly "starry" fashion finished a perfectly round barrel-roll. Lee could tell people inside were cheering and applauding her.

He swooshed past her and performed an evolution of his own. A barrel-roll was impressive both in planetary environment, and in zero-gravity, but it was much easier in space. The pilot wasn't upside-down in any circumstances outside of the planet's gravity well, as there was no up or down.

As Kara started spiraling some distance away from the  _Galactica_ and Lee followed her, he remembered how they both used to love those illusion games back in the Academy. Now  _Galactica_ was above them, hanging nose-down, and they were climbing toward her, tracing a tightening spiral pattern. That must have appeared exciting as well, especially when on top of it they were nearly nose to tail with each other.

They split up, each going in a different direction. This was just for fun, for the enjoyment of the people gathered to watch them.

"Ready?" Starbuck asked.

"Ready" Apollo sighed. There was no way he would win this one. She would kick his ass, but that didn't matter – he proved he was not afraid; he proved his flight technique was still perfect. He only wished he would find this urge to be the best somewhere in his soul, but it was gone.

"Starbuck, Apollo –  _Galactica_." Lee heard Dee's voice. "You go on my mark." A few heartbeats, then… "Three, two, one… Mark."

"Kickin' in the burn!" Kara yelled, and her viper jumped forward just barely ahead of Apollo's.

They were to pass by  _Enkidu_  and  _Adriatic_ , fly through the ring of Librian Space Park, approach  _Pegasus_ on the other side of the Fleet, roll around it, and return to  _Galactica_ passing by  _Astral Queen_ , _GreenLeaf_ , and  _Zephyr_. Lee decided that no matter what, he would be first on approach to  _Pegasus_. At least half of his people believed in him – the bets they placed proved that – and he owed them no less than winning half-mark.

Surprisingly he outraced Starbuck right after they passed  _Enkidu_. She caught up again at Space Park, because he really slowed down. He couldn't help himself, he got scared. There was enough room for three vipers to fly through the ring side by side, but Apollo suddenly doubted his own precision. At lower speed it was easier to maneuver.

When they neared  _Pegasus_ , he was behind Starbuck. He saw her approaching the battlestar's observation deck, and starting to perform a half barrel. He followed her right behind, but just then he found a spark. This little tiny impulse to outshine her. His half barrel was so tight, he came off it sooner than she did. And he was running in front again.

This was it! This was his chance, his moment of glory. He flew like a god, like Apollo.  _Astral Queen_ ,  _GreenLeaf_ ,  _Zephyr_. Ships passed, and he was still there, still leading. And as they neared  _Galactica_ , he felt Starbuck right behind him, pressing, pushing him to his limits, but still – behind.

He won.

He looked to the side, saw her smile. Saw her roll over, exposing the belly of her viper to him. He rolled as well, neared her. He could only see the tip of her bird's nose, but that was enough. She had his trust, as he had hers. Together, as if glued at their undersides, they barreled and returned before the observation deck, where their ships separated, and bowed before the audience.

"Starbuck and Apollo, return onboard." Came the order.

And Apollo – feeling elated, feeling victorious – flew first. As he landed, and was secured on the pod, he looked to the side once more, and saw Starbuck smirking at him. And as the elevator pulled him down, he realized something. He was in no shape for flying. What he felt earlier – at the pre-run they performed, this lightheadedness – that was real. There was no way he would make it through such a race at such speed. He never checked the speed indicator during the race, and it was tough to tell the speed in the vacuum, where there were no stable distance marks. But he could tell they were flying slowly.

This half barrel at Pegasus – there was no way it could come that tight at top speed.

Kara let him win.

But – surprisingly – it did not make him feel bad.

"Congratulations Commander!" she was already climbing up his ladder, while he was still musing over her generosity.

He could hear cheers, hand-claps and congratulations from all around the hangar deck. He stood up, heart beating strongly in his chest, handed his helmet to Jammer, and raised his hands in a truly victorious gesture.

He was the winner.

Then he leaned towards the boisterous blonde in front of him and asked in a whisper "You let me win, didn't you?"

"What are you talking about?" she acted surprised, offended, but he knew her, and she couldn't lie to him.

She turned around to avoid the subject, and slid down the ladder. He came down right behind, accepted congratulations from Hot-Dog and Duck. Kara disappeared in the crowd, but he had to find her, he had to tell her.

He spotted her a few handshakes later. She was standing behind a pillar, alone, away from the spotlight. That must have been tough for her, Lee knew how she loved to shine.

He approached her, and leaned against the pillar. "Thanks" he said.

Kara just shrugged, and wanted to run away again, but he stopped her.

"Really. Thank you. I want you to know I don't feel bad about this. In fact I feel good, because I know why you did it. You knew how important it was to me, that my crew believed in their Commander, and you gave me that. It matters."

Her head was still lowered, so he put his fingers under her chin and lifted it, made her look him in the eye.

"Your friendship matters" he whispered to her large green eyes.

She smiled this childish, vulnerable smile of hers, that not many people were allowed to see. Her lips slightly widened, did not part, but there it was in her eyes – some kind of shyness, joy, gratefulness, love. And something inside Lee's heart switched. Later he wasn't sure if it was still the excitement after the race, or something else, but he leaned closer to her…

And placed a kiss on her lips.

 

***

 **Chapter 5: Farewell**

 

***

The kiss was soft. Almost like a dream, almost unreal. But only "almost". It was real, and the reality of it frightened Lee. Could he throw himself into it? Could he forget? Forget what exactly?

He pulled away from her, and before he could think he whispered, "I'm sorry."

Kara's face shrunk, her gaze fell to the floor. He could swear she was actually joyful that split second ago, before the words fell from his lips, and he wasn't sure what emotions it fetched in him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to allow himself to feel them, really.

She looked up then, suddenly. "You're sorry, because…" she hesitated. "Why?"

His breath caught in his throat.

"You regret that?" she urged.

"I shouldn't have done it," he admitted finally, barely above a whisper.

"Not your fault, exactly," she said harshly. "Not like you were… you know… the only one guilty of committing this crime. There is a collaborator here." She bit her lower lip and looked at him expectantly.

But he really didn't know what to say.  _Won't happen again_ – somehow didn't seem like the right thing to say at this very moment. "We're both in a relationship…" he settled for a safer option.

"Relationship" Kara snorted, her eyes wandering off. She focused on him a moment later. "You don't love Dualla either," she said quietly and bombshelled him again.

Lee wasn't sure what he should react to first – her blunt judgment of his love-life and the fact that she apparently considered it her very own opportunity to display her judgmental talents; or the fact that she used the word "either." And what exactly did she mean by that? And… before he realized he was over-thinking again, she cut in:

"Oh, c'mon! Everybody knows that! I think even she does – she's not dumb, not really, you know."

And that was that. That was what tripped the balance of Lee's indecision about what he was supposed to do.

"This won't happen again" he said icily. "And you will stop being so patronizing when talking about my girlfriend."

"Right."

"Very right. This…" he pointed his finger between them, and he felt a kind of deja vu, it seemed so ironic. "This was a mistake, a moment of weakness - that won't happen again."

Kara clenched her jaw and put on her Starbuck mask.

The moment was gone; all he could do was turn to leave. He did leave, fighting the bitter taste in his mouth. Then he heard her soft call, "Lee."

He turned, surprised.

She took two steps forward. "Does she…" she hesitated, as if it was taking all her strength to ask this question. It probably did. "Does she at least know what's happening with you? Because I don't, and if she does…then maybe…. Maybe it's bet…" she choked on the word, bowed, hid her face from him.

And he stood there, silent, because he knew exactly what she was referring to, and he knew that Dualla had no idea there even was a problem. Nobody had any idea, and actually it was good, it was safe. It _was_ better that way. But Kara couldn't take it. And she wouldn't believe if he lied and told her that Dee knew. So he stayed silent...and turned away, but didn't escape before she glanced up and caught a glimpse of truth in his eyes.

It didn't matter though. It just didn't matter.

Dee looked so different when she wasn't wearing the uniform. But it still felt odd to call her Anastasia. Dee was too uncaring though. If he really loved her… If Kara wasn't right about that…. Did Dee…did Anastasia really know he didn't love her?

She smiled at him in the mirror, but he could sense nervousness underneath.

"Button me up, please," she repeated her request. Lee realized he was standing behind her with his fingers on her arms, just staring ahead. He began fastening her neat blouse.

"I'm sorry, D…" he halted on her name again. "I mean…"

"You know what?" she pulled up her hair, showing the curve of her neck to him, making buttoning easier. "I'll tell you a secret. My father used to call me Nasti. Or Nastia. I didn't like it." She looked at him in the mirror, smirking again, "It sounded as if I was nasty or something, but I guess I could learn to like it. Plus it brings memories of home." Her smile turned into a sad, grieving one. And then she spun to face him. She lay her hands on his chest. "I'm not nasty, am I?" She asked so softly, without looking up, that he barely understood her.

"Nasty? What? Why?"

"Nothing…" she sighed, and pushed apart, but before they really separated, she whispered something more "I thought I saw Billy today." She glanced up. "Stupid, isn't it?" She tried to smile, but Lee saw clearly, that whatever happened earlier that day had shaken her to the core. "We should get going," she hurried on, "the Admiral and the Pres…Madam Roslin I mean…they are probably waiting."

They left the officer's quarters and walked along the corridor, but Dee continued talking as if her life depended on it. Lee barely listened, he could barely understand what she was referring to. "I wish she was still the President, everything would be normal then. I mean normal, like… I was already getting used to this life; everyone moving down to the planet freaks me out somehow. I know that what we tried to do was somehow wrong, trying to fix it and all, and Gaeta had all rights to report on us, but I could hate him for this. And for what he did now, you know that he became Baltar's aide? Like Billy used…" she choked, and finally stopped the tirade. It was so unlike her.

"Dee… Nastia…" Lee turned her towards him and held her arms tightly. He had no idea why this memory of Billy affected her so. And why now? "Darling? Everything is okay."

She sniffed. "Let's go." Freed herself from his arms, and left him looking at her back moving down the corridor. Kara had asked if Dualla knew what was going on with him, and he just realized that he had no idea what was going on with her - the girl he was supposed to love. She had been through quite a trauma, and he thought it had taken no toll on her. That was unlikely wasn't it?

He quickly followed her. It was their duty – the ex-president deserved a proper send-off. Later he and… Nastia could start worrying about each other.

When they entered the Admiral's quarters, everyone was already there. Bill Adama, Laura Roslin, both Tighs and Tory Foster. Briefly Lee wondered why Kara was not invited. After all, she was the President's chosen one – a soldier with a mission to retrieve the Arrow of Apollo. The one, who – by answering the President's request – nearly caused the whole Fleet to fall apart.

Lee smacked himself mentally – he shouldn't be thinking that. Not right now.

"I'm glad you could make it, Commander." Madam Roslin greeted him with a polite smile. Commander. What happened to Captain Apollo? Oh, he died out there in a blackbird crash. Or maybe earlier? Lee could not remember when was the last time Laura Roslin requested for advice from her military advisor.

"I'm glad to be here. Though the reason for our meeting is rather difficult to get on with."

"I couldn't agree more. But being a civilian, I don't really have a choice, do I?" She leaned to him confidentially, "the President's order."

"I'm sure my father could find you something to do up here, on the  _Galactica_ " Lee said quickly, without thinking.

But she did not feel offended. Instead she looked over, where the older Adama was talking to Dee and Tory.

"Yes," Laura smiled half-sadly, half… lovingly? Lee wasn't sure when that had happened, but somehow it seemed so natural. Laura Roslin was the best match for his father Lee could imagine. He had to admit this woman was more perfect for Bill Adama than Caroline – his own mother – and though the thought was strange, it was not as disturbing as it should be. She should really stay up here.

Lee followed Laura's gaze to his father. She should stay here. If she doesn't, the Admiral was going to be miserable.

"Bill already offered me a few choices, but I declined them," Laura said. "I am a teacher. I was a teacher, before I was pulled into politics, and I think that by shaping future generations I can help humanity more than by leading them to some mysterious promised land. I want that." She looked at Lee, obviously expecting his approval.

He nodded sadly. He could do nothing but approve her choices. She may have made some mistakes, but all she ever cared about was the survival of the human race.

That couldn't be said about Gaius Baltar. Sometimes it was hard to believe that most of the people trusted him over her, but that was democracy. The results of the public choice couldn't be… Lee held his breath as the realization hit him. "Fixed?" He breathed out.

"What?" Laura turned to him with a strange look.

"No. Nothing," he covered up quickly, though the eerie feeling remained. The ex-president was looking at him from under her brow, and he gazed at Dualla.

Was that what she had meant earlier? That couldn't be! But it would explain the Admiral's reluctance to discuss anything related to the election. It would explain Roslin's melancholy. She had been much closer to winning this election than anyone had suspected. Yet – she had given it up.

He could ask her, right now, in fact. He could, but it didn't feel right.

He no longer knew what felt right in this time of war. There were no morals any more, assassination was the proper choice, perhaps throwing the election out the nearest airlock would be wiser too. Then humanity would have a leader who cared, not this messed up freak. But what would it make of them? Of those responsible for the decision to give up on democracy? Capricans had lived under a democracy for so many ages one could not count – briefly Lee wondered how would other citizens feel about it – Gemenons, Librians, Aquarions?

But Laura Roslin was Caprican as well as Lee Adama, and she was faithful to her beliefs. She didn't want to cheat, so she refused to accept the gift Dualla and others offered her. Lee couldn't describe how relieved he felt, knowing that. She was still this Fleet's moral compass, she was Lee Adama's personal touchstone.

That's what he wanted to believe in.

"Let's sit to dinner" the Admiral neared them with a smile, took Laura's arm, and led her to her chair. He sat opposite from her, at the head of the table. With Tigh to his right and Ellen next to him, Lee and Dualla opposite to the Tighs. Tory to Madam Roslin's right, next to Dee.

The dinner passed in a pleasant atmosphere, though the gloomy mood hung in the air. Everyone seemed nostalgic, the Admiral and Colonel even started telling some stories about Galactica's last years of service prior to decommissioning. Ellen wasn't hitting on Lee, and he couldn't guess if it was out of respect for Dee, or he just wasn't so attractive to her anymore. That was odd though, he should be  _more_ attractive – he was higher in rank even than her husband. On the other hand – that could be the reason. She probably thought Colonel Tigh should have been the commander of  _Pegasus_. Yes, that was probably it. And if there was one good thing about being in this position – it was making Ellen Tigh feel angry and offended.

After dinner Bill Adama walked Laura Roslin down to the temporary quarters in which she had lived since the election, and then down to the hangar bay. Lee saw them saying good bye at the shuttle that was taking the last passengers down to the surface, as he was boarding a raptor to  _Pegasus_ – and saying goodbye to Dee.

"I think I should ask him" Dualla said, and Lee tried to remember to what she was referring. All the way here she kept talking and he barely listened. He looked into her eyes, that were seeking his support.

"Perhaps…" he nodded.

"Don't you want it? I thought you wanted it. We're hardly ever seeing each-other. I miss you" she explained earnestly.

"I miss you too," he said flatly, starting to comprehend where this was headed.

"You see," she leaned forward, and put her arms around his neck. Lee suddenly felt trapped. He remembered that he had promised himself he'd try to help her solve her issues, but not right now! Not right now….

"I knew that you meant it, when you said, you weren't going to leave  _me,_ " she whispered and a faint smile appeared on her lips. "But your work on  _Pegasus_ is taking its toll. We promised each other to try, and the only way I see right now – is to transfer over there. To be really close. Really." She eyed him. "You want that, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"So I'll ask for a transfer."

 

***

 **Chapter 6: Forget Me Not**

***

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"I'm sorry Commander. This is what the President ordered," Major Balder reported. She added in a softer tone "I tried my best to justify the need for over one thousand people, but his office said they need the military to help build habitable infrastructure. There is nothing more I can do."

Lee looked at the list of transfers she presented him. A thousand men were leaving  _Pegasus_ for a better life on New Caprica. His ship was to be left with only six hundred men. That wasn't even enough to complete the repairs the Battlestar still needed. And should the cylons return…

"This isn't happening" he sighed involuntary.

"I'm really sorry."

They remained silent for a long while, as if mourning the loss of those men. Those who did not die, not technically, but a part of  _Pegasus_ was dying. If things went further this way, sooner or later, the Battlestar was going towards inevitable doom.

"I have to see the Admiral," Lee said finally.

The Admiral agreed with his Commander; he also realized they were helpless.

"Balar is the Commander-in-Chief of the military. The Articles obligate us to do as we are told, and trying to reason with the man is futile."

"This makes me think it would be better if this election had been fixed," Lee muttered.

His father gazed at him. "Do you really think that?" he asked simply, after a moment, and Lee knew he did not. His father knew that as well. That made Lee wonder if his Old Man really had anything to do with that idea, as he had suspected a few days ago. Right now it didn't seem likely.

His pondering came to a halt as the Admiral spoke – changing the subject. "There is one more thing we need to discuss. Intra-ship transfers." He pulled out a piece of paper. "One transfer in particular."

"One transfer?" Lee blinked, not understanding what the Old Man meant.

"She hasn't shared the idea with you" the Admiral guessed. "That's kind of like her" he smiled softly.

Lee realized then, whom this chat was about. Dee had asked his opinion on the subject.

"Actually" he admitted, "she did."

"Did she?" the Admiral appeared surprised. "Hmm. She did. That's good. That's really good."

Lee gazed at his father. The Old Man seemed bothered. It was understandable, Dualla was a valuable member of his crew, and one of the people he considered… family. Lee had to admit it bitterly. He remembered, when he had first arrived on  _Galactica_ , how close some people were to his father. So much closer than he ever was… Even now…

"Would you rather have her stay here?" he asked, and regretted it immediately.

Bill Adama looked up at his son and smiled. "Of course I would." And then his demeanor grew more serious. "But if she wants it this way… I see no reason to force her to remain on  _Galactica_. She will be as useful to the military on  _Pegasus_. And as for my sentiments...well, let me put it this way – I think she'll be in good hands." The soft smile appeared on his face again. "And so will you, I guess."

"Yeah," Lee sighed, not meeting his father's eyes. He hated to admit that he wasn't looking forward to having Dualla on  _Pegasus_. To having Anastasia on  _Pegasus_  – he corrected himself. He loved her – he thought. He was supposed to be loving her. But all he felt was resentment.

He forced himself to lift his eyes and to smile reassuringly.

"All you have to do then" Admiral Adama said, looking at the paper he still held in his hands, "is to sign here."

"Sure." Lee took the transfer request and put the pen to it. His gaze fell on the name printed on the page, and his breath caught. "Kara Thrace?" he exhaled.

"Yes, Kara." The Admiral's brows furrowed "Whom did you think?"

Lee couldn't answer. He tried to wrap his mind about this idea – Kara transferring to his ship, under his command. Why would she do that? Did it have anything to do with that kiss? Suddenly he felt nervous, he didn't like where this was all going.

"Lee?" his father's question startled him. "So, she  _hasn't_  spoken to you about it?"

"No."

"You thought about… Dualla?"

"Yes."

He did not dare to look into his father's eyes. Not when his mind was in such a maze.

The Admiral remained silent as well. Until he sighed - from the bottom of his guts.

"So the rumors are true?" he asked.

"Rumors?"

"About you and…"

"Yes."

They fell silent again. And looked at each other this time.

"That's good," the Admiral said, but this time he did not smile. "That's really good. I'll need you to sign her transfer as well. Frak the fraternization regs."

Dee's – or Kara's – transfers to  _Pegasus_  didn't change things much onboard the Battlestar. The Commander was so busy with coordinating the schedules of all departments, with his crew reduced to shreds, that he had no time to meet with either his friend – who assumed the duties of CAG of the remnants of both  _Galactica's_ and  _Pegasus'_ air-groups – or his girlfriend – who was busy getting used to more advanced communication post on the Mercury Class Battlestar, and at the same time was trying to learn how to deal with the tactical station. Everyone had to do the job of two or three men, and that left little time for nonsense.

For Lee it was a relief. Day after day, after day, the same duties, the same briefings with his officers, the same worries. It soon became routine. Five hours of sleep, morning run, Major Balder, paperwork, CAG Thrace, paperwork, Chief Sorrensen, Captain Ruud from weapon maintenance, Captain Abramowicz from the landing bay, network specialist, viper production specialist – who in fact wasn't really working, supplies advisor, Sergeant Soares in charge of the marines, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The only break of this routine were not-heralded meetings with the Admiral, who tended to summon the Commander to  _Galactica_ at the weirdest hours, less often for the military purposes, more often for a family dinner.

After a while Starbuck started demanding the Commander's attention too, forcing him to come to the gym for some boxing sparring, which he liked actually, because she wasn't talking. Dualla wasn't talking either, and although Lee felt relief initially, he soon started getting worried. Dee seemed to get more and more pale, more and more exhausted, silent, shadowy.

One day, when Lee returned from another dinner with his father, he found her in his bedroom, wrapped in his blanket, sobbing loudly.

"Dee?" he asked, and she jolted upright.

Started wiping her eyes rapidly, soothing the sheets on his rack, and muffling the sobs.

"Sorry…" she mumbled. "I'm sorry. Had no idea you were back already. Wouldn't have been here. Sorry. I didn't mean…"

He held her arms, searching for her eyes with his, but she avoided his gaze. "Dee, what's happening?"

"It's the only place I'm safe" she whispered. "Not here in your bed, just in your quarters. They weren't coming in here, but today…" She shivered so violently, Lee got scared she might break into pieces right in front of him. "I should have told you sooner, I know I should, it's the matter of security, but I wanted real proof first, just couldn't get it. Couldn't get him. I checked all the cameras, all the recordings, but he manages to sneak around this ship without being recognized. I think he knows where all the security cameras are, and he hides his face when he passes them, that's why I haven't been able…"

"Dee stop!" Lee shouted, not being able to bear her prattle any longer. She was mumbling some nonsense! She was completely incomprehensible. "Whom are you talking about?"

"A cylon" she whispered, looking at him with her eyes so full of fear.

"A cylon?"

"This must be. It's the only explanation. That he is a cylon. Otherwise… How would he get here?"

"Who? Which model? What are you…"

"Billy."

She said this name so silently – it was barely the movement of her lips, no sound at all.

Billy.

"What? Here? On  _Pegasus_?"

"Yes. I saw him here couple of times. At first I thought I was seeing things and it wasn't so often really, but those last few days… I kept seeing him everywhere. Maybe there are more than one of them? But why wouldn't anybody else notice? They haven't known Billy here on  _Pegasus_ , that could be the explanation, but now there are people from  _Galactica_ , and nobody said anything…"

Lee was terrified. They had a cylon right in the heart of the Fleet. This was to be predicted, there were not uncovered cylon models, they all knew that. But finding out that there really was one of them… One who's face they all knew…

The Commander jumped to the phone.

"Where have you seen him last? When?" he asked intensely.

"Here. Right outside your quarters, he was looking inside, as if searching for something. I don't know how long ago that was, I lost track of time, I'm sorry." She begun to cry again. Curled into a tight ball on the floor.

"Security, code blue" Lee said to the phone "We have a cylon onboard  _Pegasus_. Identified as the model Billy Kikeya."

The search took several hours. Commander Adama, Major Balder and Sergeant Soares looked over so many tapes from the security cameras, that their heads were nearly exploding. All the personnel was reporting to their commanders, and was examined and identified. All the people were looking at one another with suspicion and fright. But Billy Kikeya was not found.

Dualla, exhausted with crying and fear, fell asleep on the couch in Commander Adama's quarters, and when the latter returned there, after this very long day, and found her, his heart broke. He kneeled by her, and stroking her hair, fell asleep too, right there, with his head right behind hers.

He woke up in the middle of the night, stiff from sitting in this awkward position. He looked at her peaceful face, and remembered the whole conversation. "At first I thought I was seeing things" she had said. And maybe that was all there was.

The report on the search waited to be written and sent to the Admiral. Lee thought that had been one wise decision, that he had not informed other ships of the threat. That was the usual procedure, but something had stopped him from going through with it – perhaps he suspected there was no threat at all. Sighing deeply, he sat at his desk and started writing. The search was a necessary precaution, but proved to be nothing more than that.

When Anastasia woke up in the morning, Lee asked her to come with him down to Doctor Ishay. She objected at first, but he led her there nonetheless. And after a few hours of observation, and some talk between the Doc and the patient, Lee was proven right.

"She's not the first one with a breakdown here" Layne Ishay explained to him later, when Dualla was asleep after a strong dose of sedatives. Earlier the Ensign had had another panic attack, when she thought she saw Billy as one of the nurses. Lee and the Doc were sitting in the office, discussing the diagnosis and the treatment. "It's very common that when you experience trauma, you withdraw from it. When it's trauma after trauma after trauma… when you expect nothing else… But pretending this bad thing did not happen doesn't mean it was less real – and it gets back to you sooner or later. Especially if situation starts to stabilize – like it does now. We're safer."

"But Dualla didn't feel safe" Lee objected. "She did not like any of this... settlement and all."

"Perhaps because she expected – on some subconscious level – that this would mean that she'd have to deal with all the pain she pushed aside for later. She expected that when things get better, her brain would betray her. And it did. And it's good actually, because now we can pin-point the problem, and help her deal with it. This breakdown means that she is willing to deal." Layne smiled. It all seemed so simple when she was talking about it. Just a case to diagnose and treat. "How about you?" she asked suddenly then.

Lee looked at her, startled. "Me?"

Doc Ishay took some papers from the shelf. "I've taken a closer look at your records after our conversation before the race," she started explaining. "You said you were afraid to fly…"

"Listen," Lee interrupted. He wasn't willing to have this conversation. "That's past, I got over it. Everything is okay right now."

"Commander" the Doc did not concede. "This prolonged pain in your shoulder may be a symptom of…"

"Pills are helping, alright? It does not hurt anymore." Lee got up. "If we finished talking about Ensign Dualla, I think that would be all."

He turned to leave, but Doc Ishay called him once more. "Commander, I suspect you're suffering from…"

"You suspect, do you!" Lee yelled, turning back to her. "Listen, I know myself. I know what is happening with me, and I know how to handle it." He lowered his voice to a near-whisper. "And you have been a doctor for what?… a few weeks?" He knew he was cruel, and faltered, when he saw hurt in her eyes. He hated to have hurt her like this, Layne Ishay was one of the few people he sincerely liked onboard this ship. But he needed her to stop. He couldn't afford her, Doc Cottle, or his father digging into his head. If they knew what he had done, they would relieve him of duty, and that would mean he'd have nothing left. He was doing his job, he was doing it well, and he could control his behavior now, he knew that.

Lane Ishay took the blow and shut her mouth.

The Commander's secret was safe again. At least for a while.

 

***

 **Chapter 7: A Few Words**

 

***

A blow! Once and again. Damn, he was loosing his edge, she nearly knocked him out!

Kara laughed that brilliant laugh of hers, so mocking, and loud, and confident. She was flourishing. That messed up, frightened girl from just a few months back was gone as if she never existed. True self-righteous Starbuck was back in full force.

"A few pushups daily would do you good, Apollo" she mocked, when his blow failed to reach her cheek again.

"I'll wipe that smile off your face" Lee breathed out, and realized he was winded.

"You tired?" she asked with mock-concern.

"Nope."

He punched again, and she ducked again, throwing a blow right under his ribs.

"Frak!" he gasped.

"Hope it didn't hurt too much?"

"No!"

"So, how's Dualla?" Starbuck asked, jumping like a crazy bunny. "Getting better?"

If she hoped to distract him, she failed. "Nasti is good. She's back to normal duty." Punch, punch. Nothing but air again. But at least he managed to dodge her left hook.

"Goodie" she complemented. "Maybe I'll get you back into shape" she smiled, and suddenly Lee felt scrutinized. They were usually just teasing each other during these sparrings, but ever since Dualla's breakdown, Kara had started to try to make conversation. As if she wanted to get him to talk about his _problems,_  but was doing it so clumsily, it was only annoying. Frankly – Lee had enough of that with Doc Ishay persisting to get him to her office for a psyche evaluation, which he knew he'd have to obey sooner or later.

He wasn't going to take that from Starbuck though. "How's Anders?" he reversed the question.

"Dunno" her face hardened. "Last we talked he asked me to come down to him. Says he built a lovely tent by the river."

Lee gave her a look. Of course he knew that Anders left for the planet at about the same time she transferred to  _Pegasus_. And he couldn't say it made him feel bad, even though he thought he should feel for Starbuck. But she did not appear to be missing her boyfriend all that much. She appeared quite happy, in fact, finding a lot of entertainment in mocking her Commander each time they met. Which meant a couple times a day. If she didn't have some roster planning to discuss, she'd find some insubordinate pilot who needed to be reprimanded, or at least gossiped about. If she couldn't find naughty boys or girls in her class, she'd drag him down to the gym, complaining of boredom. He was spending more time with Starbuck lately, than with Dee. It made him feel guilty at times. If Anders was up here, things would be more balanced – he thought. Or if Kara went down there… that thought sent shivers down his spine.

"Are you going?" he teased, but his stomach twisted in anticipation of her answer.

Instead she punched and missed him, and then his blow finally pushed air from her lungs.

"Ough! That's the Apollo I remember" she puffed out.

"Need a break?" now it was his turn for mock-concern.

"We could use a few sips of water," she smiled, and stepped down from the ring.

He followed her. They sat on the bench in silence and, though it was good to be silent with Starbuck, she couldn't keep it too long.

"I was wondering if I should move to the surface" she said calmly. "I mean what's the use of us up here?"

Lee nearly choked on the water he was drinking. He realized he did ask her that, just a moment ago, but her blunt statement caught him off guard.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked, not hiding his indignation. "We're the only fence between those civies down on the ground and the cylons! You can't be seriously considering quitting!"

Starbuck gave him a look that he couldn't quite identify. There was an eerie mixture of feelings deep in her eyes, and then her eyelids hid them from him.

"I dunno" she muttered turning away, and taking a long sip from the bottle. "The cylons said they were going away. They left us in peace."

"Peace," he repeated. "And you believe that?"

"I think I want to," she admitted softly. "Don't you?" she turned to him again, and gave him a look as if she was… maybe… trying to convince him to come to the planet, too. No, that was not possible.

"Don't I what?" he asked trying to push that last thought out of his mind. "Don't I want to believe the cylons?" he repeated the phrase. "No, I do not."

"And you don't want to move down to the surface?" she asked, but her tone suggested a statement more than a question. So she did try… she did probe if she could try to convince him.

"No" he said persuasively… and faltered. Didn't he? Didn't he want to believe the cylons? Didn't he want all this war and fight and running to be really over, to start a new life in peace and quiet in a lovely tent by the river? "I do" he whispered, and bowed his head, not wanting her to see his face. "I want nothing more than that," he continued in a soft voice. "But we can't, Kara. We have our responsibilities and our wits, that tell us we cannot trust the cylons. They are lying and deceiving us. You know that, don't you?" He looked at her, and waited for her to nod. She had to acknowledge that he was right. "I know this isn't fair - that Anders is down there and you are up here, but if there was something I could do to get him a job on  _Pegasus_ , I would."

She gave him an almost furious look.

"You're so dense, Adama" she spat, and got up. "Let's get back to what we do best." She threw his gloves at him.

He just stood there. He knew now what she meant. All those little questions, not so subtle even. All those endeavors around the subject, not saying anything straight, not asking anything straight. Yes, she was right, they weren't good at conversations, they were better at beating the crap out of each other. This wasn't what a relationship could be built on.

"This isn't gonna work" he muttered.

"What?" she turned, not understanding, but as she looked at him, she guessed. "Oh. That. Why?" she asked and looked as if she wanted to take the question back. He wanted her to take it back, too.

"For many reasons" he mumbled.

"Yeah, I know. We're both involved, you love Dualla, blah, blah, blah, bullshit!" She hit the corner with such force the ropes buzzed from strain.

"Kara…"

"Sorry. I'm being stupid. Let's box."

He stepped up on the ring and uneasily waited for her to turn towards him. But she did not. She stood, her left palm clutched tightly on the rope, the gloves dangling in her right hand.

"If the situation were different, then maybe…" he started softly.

"Frak yourself." She half turned to him and pierced him with her green eyes.

"Listen I can try to get Anders…" he tried, but she interrupted.

"Frak Anders." She took one step, and stood right before him now, face to face, so close. "You're using some silly excuses, Anders, Dualla. Frat regs maybe? This is all bullshit!" she pulled him hard and their lips met. She held his head close to hers, and kissed him and he couldn't help, but kiss her back. Of course she was right.

Of course all those things that were not named straight – only through references – were there and were real, and were wanted, desired. And how did it happen, that she saw it first, and more clearly? How did it happen that she actually pressed to go into that forbidden territory, while not so long ago she denied anything between them existed? She was shifting so fast, had as many faces as a hydra. And he loved each and every one of them.

He tangled his fingers with her hair, loosened her pony-tail, let her soft locks fall dawn on her shoulders. Kissed her deeply, allowing himself to feel this love, this desire. It came flooding over him with an unstoppable wave, warming his limbs up to the tips of his fingers. The flush of emotions made him dizzy. He held onto her tightly, to stop himself from falling; the world was spinning under his feet, blood thundered in his ears as her warm lips bit through the last lines of defense that had been guarding him from the outside world.

He couldn't breathe. His breath caught, he forgot how to draw air, he only wanted to taste her. He wanted to forget about reality. He wanted this one special moment to never stop, to always be. Always. But seconds were ticking by, the world began to change around him. Kara shifted her position, kissed him deeper, and with his guard down Lee was helpless.

Good emotions cannot be separated from bad ones, and all the fear, grief, and exhaustion from which he had protected himself was about to fall upon him along with joy and love - it would crush him.

Utterly shocking himself and even more, startling Kara, he choked a sob. He wouldn't be able to control his reaction, it was going to escape from his grasp, and he knew what was coming – it was a breakdown. He nearly let himself go for a moment and – just like Doc Ishay said about Dualla – his brain was about to betray him.

But he was stronger than Dualla. He had practiced self-control for so many years, and he had it genetically imprinted into his persona. Gritting his teeth, he managed to regain a hold over himself.

"Lee?" Kara's concerned voice reached his mind.

"I'm sorry." He pushed himself away from her. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do that to her. Couldn't burden her with this. "I told you this isn't going to work. We can't…"

"Lee!"

"No. No, there's too much… Too much going on right now. With me, with Dualla - Anastasia. I can't, and you should… I can't force you to carry all this baggage with you, you need…"

"Lee, stop this nonsense! You're frakked up…"

"Yes! Yes, I am. And you're not, so why don't you take your chance at happiness and use it. For once in your life – be happy. And if Anders is the one, who can give it to you – take it! Because I have nothing to give to you!" He held her by her arms and screamed the words into her face. When he saw fear in her eyes, he realized what he was doing. He had to stop. He needed to get a grip.

Even though Lee wished Kara would turn to Anders, he couldn't bear the thought that she might leave the  _Pegasus_ – and him – and go to the planet. So the first thing he did, was to call for Anders to come up with the nearest transport of supplies. The ex-pyramid player was surprised, but he complied. He probably thought it would be easier to convince Starbuck to come with him if he spoke to her face-to-face.

But it wasn't Commander Adama's plan. Lee was intending to offer him a post in the marine's squad. He intended to do everything in his might to keep Kara close, though at arm's length. Some voice in the back of his head kept whispering this were not a very rational action, but he ignored that voice.

He invited Starbuck and Anders to the dinner to his quarters.

At first everything seemed natural and calm, even though Starbuck was a little hostile towards Anastasia. Things started getting out of control just before the dessert. Dee – being the hostess – started taking the plates from the table. They had extremely limited kitchen personnel, so most of the cooking she'd done herself, and she also had to serve and clean between the meals. Almost as if it was no real Battlestar, but a house somewhere on Caprica.

"Was that what you dreamt about when you were hitting on the Admiral's son?" Kara asked suddenly. The light of the candle, filtered through the green of ambrosia, danced on her cheeks and reflected in her eyes.

Anastasia stopped with two plates in her hands, and looked at Starbuck, surprised. Lee gasped, and even Anders appeared startled by this obvious provocation.

"Because I can imagine you wanted a different life," Kara started explaining. She put her glass down and waved her hand in an over-exaggerated gesture. "I can picture you as the neat wife of the high-profile figure, be it the president, or the fleet's admiral or whoever is high enough for your grace."

"I think you should stop with this ambrosia," Lee commented softly, his heart in his throat at the memory of Kara's words about Dee back then, when she returned from SAR to Caprica. He sincerely hoped the Captain would not sink as low as she had then.

"It's alright," Dualla said with dignity as she placed the plates back on the table. Lee noticed her hands were shaking slightly. "I can defend myself before such low accusations. I've dealt with them from quite a while. I don't know why everybody thinks I'm some cheap – or rather expensive, considering – whore, but the truth is I am with Lee because I love him. And he loves me."

"Right," Starbuck snorted, her eyes glistening dangerously.

"You probably don't even know what love is, Starbuck" Dualla leaned over the table to the blonde on the opposite side, and started explaining, as if she was talking to a child. "See, love is when you are by your loved one's side in hard times. When you support him in need, not just have fun when it's all nice and shiny. And that's what we are to each other – me and Lee. That's what you never were to anybody, because all you're capable of is taking, sucking out and throwing away the waste," Dee finished, hissing.

Kara got up and leveled her gaze with that of the shorter Saggitaron. "I suppose you loved Billy just as strongly, earlier. Funny thing that he was the President's aide." She cocked her head to the side. "A coincidence?"

"I loved Billy," Dualla stated, putting pressure on each word. Lee saw that her lips were trembling, as if she wanted to add something, but was unable to choke out the words, the flood of emotions too strong for her to bear right now.

Kara was cruel. She knew exactly where to hit, to cause the worst damage. She was a warrior, even when it came to people she competed with. She was used to being victorious, and she saw victory just at her grasp.

Lee hated this. This whole situation, it made him sick to the stomach. He knew he should do something, he should stop Starbuck right then and there, but instead he sat transfixed, and watched the drama evolving in front of his eyes.

Starbuck's face twisted in a cruel, mocking smile. "Right. You loved Billy so much, you started frakking the Admiral's son before Billy's body was even cold!" She shouted straight into Dualla's face.

Dee inhaled through clenched teeth. Her eyes flashed with hatred. And suddenly she hit right back, with equal force and cruelty. "Lee was fighting for his life then. In case you don't remember, he got shot by..."

"You bitch!" Kara shrieked, as Dee's words cut right to the core, right to the deepest, unhealed wound the pilot carried. Having nothing else to say, nothing else that could hurt Dualla more than she was hurt right now, the Captain threw herself up on the table and over the smaller figure of the thin girl.

They fell to the floor between the clatter of breaking glass, porcelain, leftovers. Lee was like hypnotized with horror. This was not happening. This was not real. The screams of both girls barely registered with his bewildered mind; he barely noticed a larger figure – Samuel Anders – who tried to separate Kara from Dee, he did not hear Sam calling to him for help.

When Kara, with final effort – struggling with both Dee and Sam – hooked into her rival's skull and Dualla was knocked to the floor, Lee could not bear it any longer. He fled to the back of his quarters, to the safety of his bedroom, where the ugliness of the brawl could not reach him.

 

***

 **Chapter 8: Lost Chances**

 

***

Lee couldn't stop trembling. He realized that his reactions were unbefitting, but he couldn't control his body – his brain was working alright, his stomach on the contrary – refused to cooperate. He barely made it to the toilet before throwing up the whole dinner he'd just eaten. Then he looked back at the hatch to the main room, breathing with difficulty. He didn't hear any sounds of quarrel or fight. Either the door was sound-proof, or they had stopped. Maybe Anders had dragged Kara out? Maybe Dee needed his attention? Maybe she was hurt?

But Lee couldn't make his limbs obey. He was sitting there, on the cold head floor, and gazed at the door. And he kept asking himself what had happened to him? Who was this person he no longer recognized? And when had the change occurred? A couple of days ago? While sparring with Kara? After their kiss? He knew only that he hadn't really slept since, dreams of drowning and her drowning with him were too haunting to bear. He couldn't think clearly, even Major Balder had noticed how distracted he had been this morning.

This was it, he thought. He had finally reached a point where he had to make a decision. Where he had to admit… what did that note from Ishay say?… That he was depressed, and his ability to command a military vessel needed to be reevaluated? No. He could not admit that. He could not go to his father and tell him he couldn't deal with the Beast. He couldn't bear disappointment in the Old Man's eyes.

He failed in every department. As a commander, a son, a friend and a lover. He failed.

And he couldn't face it.

Lee pulled out his firearm and eyed it for a long time, weighing the odds. He could hear the rush of blood in his ears – ta-dum, ta-dum. But what else could he do? He tried to think of a way out, but the only way led through the main room of his quarters, where he had left his girlfriend to be massacred by his friend. One evidence of his failure followed by another.

There was only one final failure to be accomplished.

He lifted the gun and pressed it against his chin. Yes. This was it. Just a few more heartbeats, ten maybe.

Ta-dum.

He should have done it a long time ago. Should have listened to his instincts.

Ta-dum.

He knew this was right. The calmness that engulfed him now, proved it.

Ta-dum. Ta-dum.

Only his heart was racing faster. How many more? Six?

Ta-dum, ta-dum.

Four?

Ta-dum, ta-dum, ta-dum...

"What an ass are you?" A scream from the doorway nearly made him pull the trigger. He let the palm holding the gun fall down and inhaled sharply, realizing he was holding his breath. He didn't draw the final breath… "You left me there with that crazy… What is that?"

Lee's hand still held the gun loosely in his lap. He looked at it as if seeing it for the first time. He had failed again. He got up, secured his firearm and put it into a holster. He was calm. He couldn't remember the last time he was able to think so clearly.

Turned to Nastia and looked into her frightened, questioning eyes.

"I have to go," he told her softly. "Everything will be okay." Lifted his palm – the one that almost killed him just moments ago – and stroked the bruise on her cheek. "I need to get help."

Other choices died out. He had to turn himself over to the doctor and hope for a light verdict.

He marched purposefully towards the Life Station. As he stepped into the Doc's office, Layne Ishay lifted her eyes at him, surprised. He closed the door firmly and sat opposite from her at her desk.

"I tried to kill myself," he said simply.

Doc Ishay inhaled and exhaled deeply. Twice. Before she was able to reply.

"When was that?"

"Just a moment ago." Lee unbuckled his holster and put it down on her desk. "With this."

Cautiously she reached out and moved the gun out of his reach.

"Why did you decide against it?" she asked.

"Dee came in on me. It was purely coincidental. If it wasn't for her, I would have done it this time."

"This time? You mean you tried to kill yourself before?"

Lee hesitated. Why did he say 'this time'? "No" he breathed out. No, he had never tried something like that. Why would he? In fact – why did he now? He could not remember. He just looked at Doc Ishay, shaking his head.

"Alright" she sighed. "Can you tell me…how have you been feeling lately? Sad?"

"I don't know."

"Anxious? Empty?"

"Empty more likely."

"Have you had any problems with sleep?"

"Not more than usual."

"Eating? You seem to have gained some weight."

The questions followed. Lee tried to answer them as honestly as he could, but it still bothered him that there were things he found hard to recall. He remembered Dualla's breakdown, but when the Doc asked him about Starbuck, he got confused; he wasn't seeing Kara that often, she was on  _Galactica_ … wasn't she?

He sat at the Doc's office very long, she ordered some blood tests, ECG, EEG. He was paged a couple of times by CIC, but she must have told them he was unavailable, because he hadn't heard them call him later. She talked a lot to him too, asked many questions, and some of his memories returned. Those about kissing Kara and how it had shaken him. He told Doc Ishay all about it, and she listened patiently, making notes.

Finally – Lee had no idea how much time had passed – she decided to tell him what she considered to be the problem. "Like I thought, Commander, you suffer from depression. You've probably been dealing with it for months. It actually proves your strength that you survived this long without treatment."

Lee smiled bitterly. Strength… or simply luck. If he could call it luck. Perhaps misfortune would be better, it would be so much easier to not have to deal with all this right now. He felt so tired.

"I'm gonna have to ask Cottle to…" Layne was explaining some possible treatments, and the older Doc's name registered with Lee.

"No." He reacted abruptly.

Doc Ishay looked at him, startled.

"You can't tell Cottle. Or my father." Lee pleaded against his better judgment. He was well aware of what the consequences were; he had known it all along. It was why he had avoided asking for help for so long. There was no way that someone emotionally unstable could command a war ship, but the mere thought of such a radical change in his life, filled him with dread.

What would he do?

He knew he sealed his doom by coming down here; he couldn't expect Ishay to comply with his request to let him keep his post. Why would she?

But there was something unusual about Layne Ishay, something that made him trust her in spite of everything. Earlier he'd thought that it was the fact that she'd saved his father's life, but now he had a feeling there was more to it. There was that strange bond between them, not love, not even friendship, but something beyond that. As if somewhere… somehow… in a different life maybe… they were really close to one another.

So he tried to explain his feelings to her. "I don't want them to relieve me of duty."

She nodded quietly in understanding and sighed deeply. "You know that I am required to report all serious conditions to the authorities? Those that might endanger others?" She waited for the Commander to nod; all Lee could do was to bow his head in defeat. "However…" her hesitant whisper surprised him, and he looked up. She was struggling with her conscience, and as their eyes met, she made a decision. "Technically we're not in danger now. We're not at war, so perhaps we can postpone this report, and see how you improve within the next few weeks."

Lee looked at Doc Ishay, shocked how she was able to read his mind.

"If the situation was different I'd relieve myself," he said earnestly, hoping that was true. Though given his recent denial, he was afraid he might not be able to allow things to get out of his control, to allow others to decide for him.

Layne looked at him skeptically. She knew that. She read him so easily.

"Nonetheless," she sighed after a considerable pause. "I must know your condition at all times. And I must inform your XO."

"Major Balder? Couldn't we?…"

"No. We couldn't. She is directly under your command, and she has to know what she's dealing with. I will only brief her; you can tell her the details if you find it necessary. I would also strongly recommend that your friends knew about your condition. Ensign Dualla, Lieutenant Thrace. Whoever else you choose. But I leave it up to you to tell them. You are the one who's going to be fighting this, and you have to choose your allies." She used the military comparison. And she smiled. "You know I am one of them."

Lee was aware of how much she was risking by hiding his condition from his superior. And he wasn't going to fail her. He really wanted to believe things could get better.

Lee had no idea how long he was stuck in Life Station, but when he left, the corridors of  _Pegasus_ were empty and silent. He didn't expect it to be different in his quarters, so the light coming from the bedroom startled him.

Dee was up, reading a book. She put it away, spotted him and got up. There were a few stitches on her cheek and a nasty gash.

"Does it hurt?" he asked softly, nearing her.

"No," she bowed, as if ashamed of her appearance. "They gave me pain-killers. They're wearing off though, I'm gonna' have to take another pill soon," she rambled, and then she stopped. And looked at him. "How are you?"

Lee's first impulse was to say he was fine, but he faltered. "Not good," he managed, not looking up at her. What was he supposed to tell her? Ishay said he should ask his friends – Dee and Starbuck, how ironic – for help. But could he, really? "Dee… Anastasia… I think we should end this" he whispered.

"This?" she repeated. "What?"

"This. Us." Lee finally looked at her. "I can't… I can't let you… I'm a mess right now, Nasti. And you've been through hell lately, too. You deserve better than this, you should…"

"I should?" she cut in. "How are you so wise, that you know what I need, or what I want? You know what? You don't. I think that it would be better if you  _asked_ what I want."

Lee swallowed hard. In a way she was right. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I want to be with you. Because what I told Starbuck is true – I love you and love means support in hard times. You were there for me. Now it's my turn."

She smiled gently, and Lee slowly nodded. But as he was undressing and preparing to sleep, he couldn't help but think there was something missing in this conversation. Dee didn't really ask  _what_ was wrong. She didn't even mention what she had seen when she came in on him in the head. As if it didn't even happen. Or as if it didn't matter to her, and all she wanted was to prove her point to Starbuck and everybody else.

Lee was leafing through the reports Kara had brought him, but wasn't reading them. Instead he was wondering what Kara had told Dee when instructed to apologize. Dee said she wasn't sure if she should feel apologized to, or more offended. Kara could do just that – smile at you while rubbing your face in dirt. And you wouldn't even notice.

When his signatures were on the papers, he placed them on the growing pile on the side of his desk. But Kara was still standing there as if expecting something.

"Anything else, Captain?" he asked, and she lifted her eyes, eyes that were saying volumes. And suddenly they shut.

"No, sir" she snapped. And then sort of changed her mind. "Actually… I request permission to go to  _Galactica_ , sir."

"Since when do you need my permission?" Lee squinted at her. "You can shuffle yourself back and forth if that's what you need to do."

"Yes, but… it's not about the job" she admitted. "It's personal, sir."

Lee sighed and nodded. "Alright then. Permission granted."

She saluted sharply and left the room.

Lee leaned back in his chair and rubbed his face. He couldn't read Kara; he couldn't guess what she wanted. Was it about Anders? The man was about to leave for the planet in a day or two, maybe Kara was angry about that? Lee was tired of it, he was tired of everything. The medications he was taking were making him fuzzy enough. He got up to get himself a cup of coffee. He needed something to get himself started, the pile on his desk was growing rapidly and dangerously. He wondered if there suddenly were more reports than usual, but after a moment he admitted that it was him, who was working slower. He was sick, thus he was not sufficient in his work any more. He had to talk about it with Layne in the afternoon. There probably was nothing that could be done. Withdrawing from treatment right now was out of the question, and he really wanted to get better this time. He wanted to believe things could get better.

He took a handful of papers from his desk to study them on the couch. He had just signed a few reports without even reading them; he had to make up for it immediately. What did Kara bring? A report form an uneventful CAP around New Caprica, a report on drunk and disorderly behavior of the three pilots in the rec room, a recommendation for Lieutenant Gray to be promoted to Captain and the CAG – what the heck was that for? Next – a request to be relieved of duty, and allowed to move planetside. Signed by… Captain Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace.

"What the frak!" Lee spilled the coffee on the table, happily avoiding the pile of papers. "Shit!" he reached for the phone, at the same time trying to wipe the fluid with some cloth he found on the floor, probably his own tank-top. His quarters were getting untidy. "Give me Captain Thrace!" he shouted to the operator. Was it Dee? Most likely.

"I'm sorry, sir" she replied. "Captain Thrace has left the  _Pegasus_ and is currently docking on the  _Galactica_. Do you want me to put you through to her raptor?"

"No." Lee hesitated for a moment. "Give me flight control." He waited for a soft 'click', and a 'helo' from the officer on the other side. "This is the Commander. Prepare me a raptor, right now!"

He couldn't let her go like that!

 

***

 **Chapter 9: Choices and Fallouts**

 

***

The hatch to the Admiral's quarters thumped against the door frame as Lee stormed into the room. He was welcomed by three pairs of shocked eyes, hesitated at the sight of the Admiral and the Colonel, but then his gaze was caught by the green pupils of Kara, and anger boiled again.

"You're not going to do this," he hissed, stepping into her personal space and indicating the resignation that had remained grasped in his hand from the moment he'd read it.

She just stared at him speechless. She certainly had not expected this kind of reaction.

"Lee, calm down." The harsh voice of the Admiral reached him, but he ignored it.

"With all due respect, I am calm sir! Kara? Say you're not going to do this."

She looked up, and in her eyes he saw determination. "What do you want from me, Apollo?" she uttered. "I tried, alright? I tried really hard to be your friend, to be there for you. But I'm not exactly good at this kind of stuff. All I can do is frak it up! And so I did..."

"What are you talking about?" he interrupted. "This isn't about me. Or about you, or about any fraking friendship. This is about the entire Fleet, about all the people down there, responsibility..."

"Well, maybe I'm tired of it?" she screamed into his face. "Maybe I'm tired of responsibility, of giving up on my life all the time, of sacrificing everything that I have! Maybe I want something for myself for a change!"

"This is betrayal. You were sworn..."

"And I'm not deserting. I'm asking permission from my commanding officers. I got yours already."

Lee gritted his teeth. He could not deny that. His signature was there, black on white.

"Maybe you should read what you sign," she added in a whisper. She could not push his buttons any harder.

"If you go out this door, Kara, you have nothing to return here for," he hissed. "I don't ever want to see you again. Ever."

"Not a big deal, Apollo. I don't owe you anything, and neither do you owe me; there's nothing here. We've proven this to each other enough times."

Lee cast her one final glance and turned around to leave. His father's voice caught up with him once more.

"Don't leave  _Galactica_ , Commander," the Old Man said gruffly. "I expect you back here in my office in half an hour."

Frak! That was just what Lee needed. "Yes, sir!" he replied, not turning back.

When he got back to his father's quarters, his fury diminished and remorse settled in. But he had to put that feeling off for later, as he was expecting a lecture first.

The Old Man made him wait. Told him to sit at his desk while – in complete silence – he made coffee. Then he stood before the bookshelf for a moment, staring at the volumes. Sighed several times.

And finally he sat behind his desk and looked at Lee.

"Commander," he started, and Lee was thankful that this was a formal conversation, rather than a father-son heart-to-heart. "I understand that it is hard to lose a good officer, and Starbuck is one. But this kind of behavior is unacceptable."

"I'm sorry."

"You didn't read the resignation she gave you?"

Lee could only answer with silence and bowed his head. This was it. His father was going to demote him and throw him to the brig for neglecting his duties. He deserved it.

"What's gotten into you?" came a soft question. A worried question. Lee had no answer, either. "Son, I know that Kara is your friend." The Admiral turned fatherly all of a sudden. "I know that you count on her to always be by your side. I know that feeling. . ."

"You do?" Lee suddenly looked up and asked as quickly. "So tell me… How would you feel if your best friend abandoned you like that? If Colonel Tigh presented you with his resignation?"

"I don't have to imagine my reaction to Saul leaving. I feel as bad about Kara – I counted on her too."

"So why are you letting her go that easily?"

"Who says it was  _easily_?" The Admiral fell silent, waiting for the words to sink it. After a moment he continued. "But I have to understand her point of view. Starbuck is a person who needs to act; she can't be trapped, and what is she here, but trapped? What do we do up here, but wait for the cylons to reappear? She's not a person who waits. Down on the surface she will at least take active part in building the future for the people. And I'll tell you this, Lee – if Saul asked me to let him go as well – I would. Because I don't want to keep anyone trapped here."

"And what if it was me?" asked Lee, and immediately knew it was the wrong question to ask.

The Admiral stared at him, not blinking. "If it was you? Wanting to leave?" He repeated the question. And then answered with another. "Would you really?"

Lee looked at his father for a very long time, considering his answer. Would he, really? He thought he would. Not so long ago he'd thought that had been what he'd wanted. But he had had a chance, hadn't he? An easy way out – there had been someone willing to say he'd not been fit for active duty, and then he'd be free to decide whatever he'd wanted to do with his life. The problem was – he had no idea what it might be.

"I didn't think so," the Admiral answered, not waiting for his son's response any longer. He either guessed, or assumed the answer was what he imagined it to be. "But if you did, I would let you go. You know that."

Right, Lee wanted to snort, but he knew better than that. And then something crossed his mind. If his father was so understanding, if he really was willing to recognize the needs of everybody around – Kara, Tigh – then why not his?

"I think I'm..." he started and hesitated. But what the heck! "I dunno. Kind of... depressed," he said tentatively.

"Depressed?" Bill asked incredulously. "Well, so are we all," he stated with a small smile. "I pretty much feel down too, seeing  _Galactica_ disintegrate. It's all going to hell. But it's a measure of a man – what he does in challenging situations like this. You don't give in. You stay strong, even if no one expects you to. Because it's in your head, son – that's where your moral compass is. If there's no one to tell you what to do, you have to be able to tell yourself. And that's what makes you a good commander."

Lee sat and blankly listened to his Old Man's tirade. He knew he did not live up to the Admiral's expectations; he did not live up to the position he had been assigned. You don't give in? He had given in... completely. So completely, he had wanted to resign from it in the most cowardly way – by killing himself.

"I'll get a grip then," Lee whispered when his father finished. He hoped he still had a chance at redemption.

Kara did leave for New Caprica. She did not even come to say 'good bye', perhaps wanted to avoid crossing paths with Dualla – Lee assumed bitterly. Then the days followed with ultimate consistency. Consistency was good, it gave some sense of safety.

Just like before – a few hours of sleep, morning run, Major Balder, paperwork, CAG Grey, paperwork, and so on and so on. There was one thing different from the routine Lee had had before his breakdown – daily meetings with Doc Ishay. Not longer than a few minutes usually, but after just a couple of days he started looking forward to them. He realized Ishay was very inexperienced in this field, and she probably was consulting with Cottle in some, known-only-to-her, way. But she was trying, and her unyielding faith in Lee Adama made up for her lack of knowledge.

There were the usual dinners with his father and the Tighs, only now Lee brought Anastasia with him more and more often. Although Bill Adama sometimes requested to meet with his son alone. Somehow it was nice, gave the impression of family bonding, on the other hand it was difficult to put a good face on some subjects his father wanted to discuss. Sometimes Lee came back from those meetings exhausted, as if he'd fought a battle with eight cylon raiders. Luckily those dinners didn't happen all that often.

He never spoke with Dualla about the incident in the head, or about that particular dinner in general. For the first few weeks she eyed him oddly whenever he buckled his holster. She probably thought he didn't notice the sideways glances, but he did. A firearm was a part of the uniform though, and he was bound to have it with him during service hours.

He didn't feel tempted to use it. Never again, not in  _that_ way. He could not understand what had gotten into him back then, but he preferred not to think about it – it was too difficult. The only moments he allowed himself to open up were those minutes with the Doc. Apparently Layne Ishay was the only person he could open his mind to. But it was her job... after all.

The medications she gave him were helping too. He started feeling much calmer, was able to enjoy things he used to like before – physical exertion, or even simple contact with other people. He found it easier to concentrate at command tasks, and finally he was even able to grant Major Balder permission to go for shore leave to New Caprica. She'd filed the request before he'd fallen apart, and obviously he couldn't afford to let her go when he'd been such a mess. But as he started getting better, he decided to try his luck at commanding the Beast single-handedly. She objected of course, but was so tempted by fresh air and the skyline, she didn't really need much pushing. So Commander Adama stayed alone at the top for a few days.

Unfortunately, antidepressants have some less likable side-effects, too. There were days, or rather nights, when he couldn't find pleasure in physical closeness with Anastasia. He'd feel her climax, sometimes more than once, while he'd only get more and more tired. Finally he would stop and she would whisper, "It's okay," while stroking his back. "It's okay, next time will be better." And the next time sometimes was better, and sometimes wasn't. But he hated her saying it.

"It's just a side-effect. Ishay said something like that could happen."

Yes, she did. She also said he might feel sleepy, or agitated, lose or gain weight. And when he looked at himself in the mirror he hated what he saw. He hated that his face was changing, swelling, he hated that he was losing his build, all traces of the pilot he once had been – vanishing.

He hated his slowness. Sometimes he thought that in this department, efficiency at work, the medications were doing more harm than good. Or maybe it was because Major Balder wasn't present? Tons of reports after reports - under reports, over reports. It was all making him mad at the world all over again. And on nights like this, after hardly satisfying love-making with his girlfriend, when he knew he would not fall asleep easily, he sat on the couch and read, wrote, thought and sighed heavily from time to time.

"What so troublesome?" There came a quiet voice from the doorway. Dualla was standing there, clad in her tank-top and sweatpants with a blanket over her shoulders. "Need a hand?"

So he gave her some of the reports to read. They sat up long that night and the next night too, and the next. Dee even worked on some stuff in her off shift time. Eventually most of the overload was resolved, and Lee felt grand relief, knowing that he was not going to face his XO looking like he couldn't cope with all the bureaucracy.

 

***

 **Chapter 10: Two Weddings, And . . .**

 

***

"Is this your handwriting?" Riana Balder asked, handing her CO some paper.

"Probably not," Lee admitted. It looked more like Dualla's. The XO chuckled slightly, and Lee shot her a glance. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing. It just seems that you and our comms officer are getting really close."

"I stopped making a secret of it couple of months ago."

"I know, but this… This is more than just fraternizing. You two are starting to behave like a married couple!" she giggled at the thought.

From the first moment she stepped out of the raptor from New Caprica, Lee had noticed a change in her.

"Vacation suited you," he observed. She looked up at him with her bright questioning eyes. "You had a good time down there?"

"Great," she admitted, and cast her eyes downward, as if not wanting him to see everything that was there. But then she changed her mind and started talking. "The settlement is a terrible place. It's cold, dirty, people are hungry. But most of them seem to be happy. They are free at last. Free from running from the cylons, and free from the ships they were imprisoned in. They have hope; they believe in the future." She gazed at him earnestly. "You should go there too, you'd see that it is all worthwhile."

"I will," Lee answered half-heartedly. "Not just yet, but I will. Eventually."

They sat in silence for a moment, all the reports laying before them on the table. Finally Riana sighed heavily, and took the next from the pile. And a strange thought occurred to Lee.

"You're not going to move down there, are you?" he dared to ask.

"Oh, I couldn't leave you with your girlfriend as your XO," she chuckled in response. "That would make things completely counter to the rules."

After his CIC shift ended, Lee came into his quarters and was startled by the sight of Dee engrossed in paperwork.

"You don't have to do all that, you know."

"Yeah," Dee smiled. "And leave it to you? In a few days you'd bury yourself, and what use would I have of you?" She stood up, stretched her back, and neared him. "There are some other things I have in mind for my man, besides than sitting at his desk," she said, stroking his chest and looking into his eyes.

He leaned down and kissed her.

"But this is not  _your_ job," he reminded, encircling her with his arms.

"It's not? So are  _you_ going to sit here instead? And what will I be doing in the meantime?" she asked seductively.

Lee squinted at her. "Well, actually…" he said apologetically, "I'm on my way to  _Galactica_  - for a meeting with my father." He felt really awful, seeing disappointment evident on her face.

"Alone?" she asked for confirmation, turning away and approaching his desk again.

He felt so bad for her. Those dinners at the Admiral's were the only distraction from an otherwise boring life on the battlestar. Lee knew how she enjoyed them. Furthermore, he wasn't really thrilled with the idea of talking to his father alone.

"Get dressed," he said. She cast him a surprised glance. "Well, I can't turn him down" he explained. "But I sure as hell can take you there to have some fun, right?"

She smiled beautifully in answer, and ran to the back of his quarters to put on her dress uniform.

Adama was clearly surprised to see both of them entering his dining room, but requested a third cover immediately. Then they sat, ate and talked. Midway through the meal the atmosphere was still pleasant, as Dee and the Admiral recollected some anecdotes from old times. It was even nice when they started comparing CAG Apollo with the late Ripper. There were so many memories; it seemed that times of stillness allowed them to resurface more and more rapidly, after the long year of pursuit, when nobody even dared to think about past time.

"But  _Galactica_ has never had a worse CAG than it has now" Bill Adama stated suddenly.

Lee quickly swallowed a mouthful of spaghetti. "Gray may not be very experienced, but he's working hard" he said then, sticking up for the newly promoted pilot.

"The fact that Starbuck recommended him, doesn't mean he's doing his job" the Old Man eyed his son coldly. "You of all people should be able to see it."

"So what are you saying?" Lee went on the defensive.

The Admiral looked at his subordinate and sighed. "I want to replace him with Kat," he declared, well aware of the objections that would arise.

"Kat?" was all Lee could articulate.

"Have you listened to the wireless lately?" the older Adama growled. "Kat is authoritative, collected and thinks fast. She'd make a good Commander of Air Group."

"Kat used to take stimms" Lee reminded. "How do you know she'll hold under pressure?"

The Admiral gave his son a glare. "That was a long time ago," he said. "She's strong, she's risen above it."

Lee just shook his head. He didn't like any of this, but trying to change his father's mind once it was set was like yelling at the wall. So instead of talking, he focused on his meal.

"The only reason Starbuck recommended Gray," interrupted Dee, "was because she dislikes Kat." Both men's eyes turned to her, and she just shrugged. "Everyone knows of their resentments."

Lee sighed. Dee had a point, but that didn't make the situation any clearer.

"You shouldn't just change the CAG because of some… I don't know," he stammered. He found it hard to rationalize his arguments. Because Dee was probably right.

"Dee is right," the Admiral voiced his thought. "And Starbuck is no longer here. I'll promote Kat, she's proved herself worthy."

The statement was so forthright, it almost felt like a blow.

"If you had already made your decision" Lee whispered, "why are you asking my opinion anyway? Whatever I say is irrelevant." He kept his voice steady, but deep inside he felt his guts twisting. He no longer was hungry, in fact he was afraid he might throw up.

"I wanted to hear your opinion," the Admiral stated matter-of-factly, returning to his spaghetti and clearly enjoying it.

"Well, so you've heard it" Lee hissed. "Do you have anything else you wanted to hear my opinion about and neglect it completely?"

"Lee, stop this" Dee gasped.

And Bill looked up at his son, quite startled. Put his fork aside.

"I'm not neglecting your opinion," he said slowly, looking at Lee with wonder. "And as the matter of fact there was something else I'm deliberating on. We need a decent evacuation plan for New Caprica."

"Evacuation plan? I'm not sure I follow…"

"None of us trust the cylons" Adama started explaining. "That's why we're here - we think we could protect everybody on the ground. But the truth is, all we have are outdated plans from the times of pursuit - patched, rewritten and adjusted to the new situation. We need something completely different. A plan created anew from the core. And I want you to start thinking about one."

Lee gazed at his father for a long time. This was some nonsense! He couldn't think of any other way to name this whole idea.

"What are you talking about?" he gasped finally.

Bill looked up, once more startled away from his food. Apparently he thought it was obvious, and was shocked to realize his son and second-in-command didn't share his righteous opinion. He took his time figuring out the reply.

"I'm taking about New Caprica, Commander," he finally began, sighing. "About all the people, and all the ships stranded down there…"

"Exactly," Lee cut in. "They are stranded. If a cylon fleet shows up, do you really expect there would be anyone or anything to evacuate from the planet?" he stared at his father and saw confusion in the Old Man's eyes. The mighty Admiral thought those fools could be saved! Lee knew better than that. "If we wanted to protect them, we should have arrested them on those ships and continued our search for Earth. But they had a choice and they made one. It was to trust the cylons – those same ones who exterminated ninety nine percent of humanity! If they find us and come here, they'll just shoot a few nukes before we even have the time to blink. And then it'll be all over. What evacuation plans do you need?"

The silence that followed this outburst was dense and awkward. Both Dee and the Admiral looked at the table, obviously uncomfortable. The truth always made people uncomfortable, but they had to face it. They had to understand!

Dee looked up, and put a strand of hair behind her ear. She wanted to say something, but she cast a quick glance at the older Adama and changed her mind. Lee didn't catch the meaningful stare of his father, but then his girlfriend got up and excused herself, saying she needed to got to the head.

When they were left alone, Bill exhaled from the bottom of his guts.

"Lee," he started, but was interrupted.

"I'm sorry." The son shook his head. "I know I was blunt, too blunt maybe. I just don't see the point of… of helping people who don't want to help themselves."

There was a moment of silence again. And then the father asked very softly, "You're still angry at her, aren't you?"

Lee looked up, and in his Dad's eyes he saw genuine compassion… and something more, something that made him cringe inside.

"It has nothing to do with her," he whispered through clenched teeth.

"Lee," Bill started again, and for some reason shot a glance behind his back, where Dee had disappeared into the head. He continued in a soft voice. "There was a reason I asked you to come alone today… I have news, and I'm not sure how you're going to take this. But I'd rather you found out from me, before..." he sighed. "She called me yesterday."

Lee didn't say anything to that. He stared at the table, at his unfinished pasta, thinking that his father couldn't possibly expect an answer.

But apparently he did. "Kara," he specified. "She called."

"Hope she's doing fine," Lee whispered. Would that be a hint enough for his father to drop the subject?

Obviously not.

"She and Anders got married, Lee."

There was no reaction to that. With absolute shock, Lee realized he felt nothing. The news didn't make him angry, or miserable, or furious, or absolutely enraged.

"Good for her," he articulated easily.

"Lee, I just thought…" Bill started and hesitated.

Then the hatch to the head opened and Dee came back, and there was no room for discussion about Kara any more. Lee sighed with relief.

"Cold spaghetti is uneatable," he remarked as the woman he loved sat opposite from him.

She gave him an incredulous look, then gazed questioningly at his father.

"What did I miss?" she asked.

"We reached an agreement" Lee stated, before the Old Man had a chance to say anything. "I'm going to think about evac plans. Which means we should be heading back to  _Pegasus_ ; there's a lot of work."

The Admiral nodded silently, looking at his son with concern. Dee muttered something about unfinished dinner, but Lee reminded once more, that once pasta got cold, it lost all the flavor. Not waiting for her, he strode out of the Admiral's quarters.

Dee caught up with him in the corridor.

"You didn't reach any agreement!" she accused, grabbing his elbow.

"Quite on the contrary" he said. "We did. And I'm going to do exactly as he wants." Jerked his hand free and marched away.

"But you didn't agree," Dee persisted when she caught up with him once more.

Lee didn't answer. Of course she was right again, but there was no sense in telling her something she already knew.

While on the raptor, Dee tried to get him to talk. She said something along the lines of "you shouldn't argue, he's your father," but he paid her no attention.

His father only saw what he wanted to see. He was a dreamer, who just didn't want to accept the reality of this. And the reality was – Lee knew – that reality was dark. He couldn't quite name it, but he felt… He  _knew_ , there was something dark just lurking around the corner. Bill Adama only saw what he wanted to see; it had always been that way. He'd thought Caroline enjoyed being the wife of an officer, until she'd told him she was no longer going to live like this. He'd thought his sons were better off with their mother, but they hadn't been. He'd thought his sons' only dreams were to become viper pilots, until one of them died, and the other… the other was supposed to love commanding a battlestar…

When they entered the Commander's quarters back on  _Pegasus_ the first thing that caught the eye were tons of paper, paper that Lee needed to read that evening. Then he should begin to come up with some idea of how to protect the grounded civilians in case the cylons attacked. He was not looking forward to any of it.

"You know why I agree with him?" Dualla asked, standing at his desk and staring at all the work waiting for them. She looked up, and answered right away. "Because he wants to give his crew something to work on, some meaning to all those pilot maneuvers. Purpose. Faith, hope. All you do is bring them down," she accused, and struck a chord.

"Maybe that's because I don't have hope!" Lee countered with anger. "How can I give something I don't have?"

She gazed at him and the look on her face turned from reproachment to compassion. Even pity. Then she turned away. She couldn't answer that, every time their conversation touched the subject of his emotional state, she shut down. He didn't mean to make her uncomfortable, or helpless. He regretted each word he said, but he couldn't help how he felt.

"I wish I could…" Dee whispered, absently leafing through the papers. "You need some help with that?" She indicated his desk finally, despair in her eyes. If she couldn't help him in any other way, she could at least help him carry the burden of command.

Lee sighed and nodded. He tried to smile reassuringly, as he neared her and held her in his arms. "It's a great help actually. Thank you."

And then a thought occurred to him. He remembered Major Balder's comment about them behaving like a married couple, and about everything about them being against the rules. The rules were gradually changing, fraternization was no longer regarded with such disapproval, but sharing quarters with his girlfriend could, in fact, be a bad example. And that could easily be changed.

"Dee… Anastasia, " Lee began hesitantly, looking into her eyes. Her brow rose in an unspoken question. He inhaled deeply, and holding her face in his palms, asked. "Will you marry me?"

He had startled her – that was obvious. For a moment she couldn't find words, and then she gazed at him sheepishly and her beautiful smile widened. "First of all," she whispered, coughed and repeated in a clear voice. "First of all, you can call me Dee. I'm used to that and that's more my name now, than Anastasia. That one is awkward, I know. Second… or rather should be first, more important and all…" She smiled again, her eyes sparkling. "Yes, Lee, I will marry you."

And then she kissed him, he kissed her back, and they held onto each other tightly, lovingly. And Lee couldn't quite explain why her answer, her love, her closeness… made him so sad. So enormously, immeasurably sad.

The ceremony, performed on  _Galactica_ , was small and short. Admiral Adama asked for a blessing from Artemis Limnatis and Hera Teleja – goddesses who care for the household and married couples. The fruit, a small apple, that Lee gave his wife, was the only ritual element. They weren't even dressed in traditional chitons, but in their dress-blue uniforms. Then there was a dinner with the Tighs, and after that they returned to the  _Pegasus_.

A few days later, Major Balder handed her CO her resignation.

"Why?" Lee asked. He wasn't pleased to see her go, he had learned to like her and trust her over the months they spent commanding the Beast together.

"When you assumed I had a good time down there, you were right," Riana admitted. "I met someone. You know, as in… someone important. I want to be with him." She waited for the Commander to respond, but he only stared at her request, with a distant sense of déjà vu. He brushed it off when she added, "You know, I guess your marriage kind of made me realize…"

"I know," Lee cut in. "Alright" he sighed, and put his signature on the resignation. Handed it to her.

"Thank you. If I could make a recommendation for an XO position…" she hesitated and smiled. Lee thought he knew what she was going to say. "I think you should promote Ensign Dualla to Lieutenant… I know it's a little low ranking to be an XO, but…"

"I know" Lee smiled in return.

"Yes. She'll make a great XO, I think she already has experience."

"Yeah, she does."

"Good. Then at least I know I'm leaving my Commander in good hands."

"You do."

"Will you come and visit someday?"

"Yes. Yes, I will, sure. Someday."

"I'll be expecting you. So, this is a goodbye."

"This is a goodbye."

 

***

 **Chapter 11: More or Less**

 

***

"You know what day it is today?" the Admiral asked gruffly, as his son stepped through the hatch. There was no "hello, son, how are you?" or any other greeting. Just this startling question.

Lee gazed at his father, standing before the bookshelf, unexpectedly dressed in his tank-tops and sweatpants with a glass of ambrosia in his hand and that somber expression on his face. He wondered what he'd missed? It was way past the anniversary of the attack on the Colonies; it wasn't Colonial Day. It wasn't his Old Man's birthday; there were still a couple of months remaining. It definitely wasn't his own birthday; his Dad wouldn't be so grumpy about him forgetting it. So Lee didn't know what day it was.

"No," he replied.

His father smiled, with his lips only; his eyes were sad.

"We have been orbiting Caprica, we have been at peace, exactly one day longer than we were fleeing the cylons. It doesn't feel like it, does it?"

"No," Lee admitted. It certainly felt like  _then_ had lasted years, and  _this_ – only a few weeks. "So peace prevails now."

"That's right. That's how it seems." The Admiral was lost in thought. "And we feel safe. Too safe."

"What do you mean?"

The Admiral sighed and turned away from his precious books. Put his unemptied glass on the table and picked up a set of papers.

"Have you read Kat's reports form the latest CAPs?" he asked. "The pilots are lazy. Have you seen the corridors? Two lamps on this level alone are out of order. CIC staff plays triad on the DRADIS console, cannons are stuffed, and these evacuation plans…" he indicated a document, and Lee recognized his own handwriting on the cover. "These plans are a bunch of crap." He threw them across the room.

"Evacuation itself is a bunch of crap," Lee countered. He felt like he had been hit across the face.

"I'm sorry," Bill sighed, and leaned on the table bowing his head.

Lee was startled. He'd never seen his father vulnerable. Not ever. He didn't know what to say. Just a moment ago he had been angry, wanted to retort, fight, even yell and hit. But this…

The Admiral regained his posture in an instant, but the astounding image lingered in his son's mind's eye.

"I'm sorry," Bill repeated in a stronger voice, looked straight at his son and forced a smile. "I know you don't agree with my vision concerning New Caprica defense - and I haven't taken the time to convince you. I guess I've taken your support for granted because you're my child. That's one reason why there were regs concerning families in the service. Of course, now we're in a different reality." The smile vanished and was replaced with tiredness. He wiped his hand across his face as if wanting to remove the expression - and didn't quite succeed. "I wanted to change those plans, but now I see it goes deeper. We need to change a lot more. We need to start with ourselves, Lee. Look at us."

Lee looked at his Old Man. Really looked for the first time in months. He seemed older, his scarred face was wrinkled, hair longer and… he had grown a mustache somewhere along the way. Lee wondered why he hadn't noticed that before.

"There isn't going to be a dinner tonight son," Bill said, reaching to a chair where lay… two pairs of boxing gloves. "Catch!" He threw one pair at his son, who nearly dropped it. A look of disapproval flickered through Admiral's face. "You can change in the locker room."

Lee was glad to notice he was not more out of shape than his father. Of course, he was not working out as much as before, but he was forcing himself to get up for a morning run almost every day, and to go to the gym at least couple of times a week. There was still too much that was off though.

"Your reflexes suck," Bill snorted, as Lee was getting himself up from the floor for the tenth time. "Strength is okay, strategy fine too, but you're slow. Too slow."

"Well, you're not so much faster," Lee countered ironically, without actually making a point - and was met with the reproving gaze of his father. Damn, he couldn't even argue properly!

"Take five," the Old Man said, sitting down on the bench and lifting a bottle of water.

"Tired?"

"I'm twice as old as you are."

Yes, his was a stupid comment; Lee chastised himself again. Sat next to his father.

"Now tell me, is this..." Bill pointed at the mats, where he had laid out his son just a moment ago, "Is this because you're going easy on your old man? Or perhaps I should go easy on you?"

Lee sighed, and tried to cover his discomfort by drinking more water. What was he supposed to say?

"Being the Commander doesn't mean you don't need to be physically active. You do. You have to keep yourself in shape, and this…" Bill waved a glove at his son and Lee understood what his father meant, saying 'look at us'."

He meant "Lee, look at yourself". He noticed  _that_ too – hard not to notice, when  _that_ was so large.

"It doesn't look good," Bill finished softly.

Lee got it. Got it far too well. His father was trying to be gentle about his getting fat. "Doesn't look good?" What a polite way to say he was looking like a guzzling pig.

"Okay," the younger man sprung to his feet. "Come on, let's box."

"It doesn't go away from just one sparring, son. You need to change your attitude…"

"I know what I need to change!" Lee cut in. Oh he knew that, he really did. And he was sure as hell going to.

Bill apparently understood what his son meant. He certainly seemed to have achieved some goal, as his face expressed honest satisfaction the next time he knocked his opponent to the floor.

"Have you and Dualla had a honeymoon?" he said suddenly, helping Lee stand up.

"Honey what?"

"You got married some time ago. I think you two could use some down time."

Lee just shook his head as he took position and sent a right hook at the Old Man, who, in no old-man-style dodged him and countered cruelly.

"Frak!" Lee cursed, holding his side.

"Maybe you're tired. Maybe a few days on New Caprica would do you good."

Lee again could not grasp it. He was a commander, and his wife was an XO. There was too much responsibility at stake to pull this off.

"I know it would take a few arrangements," the Admiral observed, "but everything can be done. Talk to your wife and let me know what she thinks about it," he finished, punching at Lee's cheek bone.

Again Lee didn't see it coming.

"You're trying to distract me, aren't you?" he hissed, pulling himself from the mats.

"Not at all," Bill replied with a serious expression. "I don't need to."

Lee returned from  _Galactica_ very sore. When Dualla was tending to the most aching spots, he told her about his father's offer – meaning it more as a joke than anything real. But Dee loved the idea.

"I'm sure Hoshi could handle most of the job. Or maybe your father could send Tigh over here for those few days? How long are we talking about anyway?"

"I don't know. Haven't discussed that part of the plan." Lee got up and stretched his back. "Going to have a shower."

"Talk to the Admiral," Dee requested playfully. "We could have some fun."

Have some fun, right. Lee shook his head again, marveling at how such an irresponsible proposition could cross the Admiral's mind. Of course Dee was eager to go, but that such an idea came from the Old Man? Relaxing under the warm water, Lee wondered if his father had been down to the planet. He seemed to remember that President Baltar had summoned him once, but had he gone? And for how long? Probably had only seen Colonial One's interior.

The Admiral appeared tired too. Lee couldn't stop thinking about that short moment when his father had let his guard down. He deserved a break. Perhaps they  _should_  go, and then tell him to go in turn? He could meet some old friends - Laura Roslin, Starbuck.

He sure as hell was hoping  _he_  wouldn't meet Starbuck while on the surface.

So they would go - he and Dee together, for a honeymoon. That sounded…funny. It might be fun, in fact. Lee stepped out of the shower and smiled at his reflection in the mirror. His smile faded. He was getting used to this new him, but today the sight brought to mind his father's comment. "Look at us. Look at yourself, Lee."

He looked. Chubby cheeks, double chin, and below that…frak.

He quickly dried himself and put on his clothes. Hated his body. For some reason he had thought other people wouldn't notice; Dee never mentioned it. But his father's actions today were proof of how he was regarded by others.

He stood staring in the mirror for a few more minutes, thinking. He was feeling fine. He was able to notice the difference in his mood from a couple of months back and now. Opened the locker and took out the vial of pills that were making him better. And fatter.

And put it right back.

No more.

For the first few days he didn't notice any difference. Still slept well, ate properly, was swamped with paperwork. They agreed with the Admiral that the newlywed couple would go to the surface after the command team came up with some basic ideas for the defense plan. Then Lee would see if people on the ground had any suggestions, maybe built provisional shelters in case the planet was nuked.

While they were working on the plans Lee argued more and more fiercely with Tigh and Kat – something that startled even his father. But then, both Tigh and Kat were annoying to no end. Finally, on the day that they reached some vague idea of what should and could be done, Lee managed to kick his father's ass in the ring. He was as happy as a child. But then his Dad managed to spoil his pleasure by reminding him of the trip to New Caprica.

Lee knew he should be delighted. He was going to have a few days off, time to think, relax, enjoy. But it wasn't what he wanted. Again nobody had asked what he wanted! His father had an idea, Dee seemed thrilled by it, and they automatically assumed that he was thrilled as well. Nobody had bothered to ask him.

If they so desperately wanted to go to the planet, why wouldn't they go themselves? Lee restlessly paced the length of his office back and forth. Reports, read and signed, lay in a neat pile on top of his desk, Dee was in CIC, about to finish her shift in an hour. He should be packing. But couldn't bring himself to begin.

Each time he opened the locker and saw himself in the mirror, he knew he'd hate Kara to see him like this. Not that he was going to meet her down there. He wasn't. But she might accidentally…

He didn't want to go there at all. Had no idea what he would do with all that free time on his hands. The Admiral seemed eager to go though. They had spoken the other day, that if everything went smooth, Bill would be the next to go, and he seemed content with the idea. So why not now? Why wait?

Not waiting, Lee reached for the receiver, and requested to speak with  _Galactica_ Actual.

"I've been thinking," he started. "Why don't you go tomorrow instead of me?"

"It's not how it was planned," the Admiral sounded taken aback.

"It's not a big deal, you won't have to send Tigh here," Lee explained quickly. "I'll take care of my ship, and he'll deal with yours. Guess it can be done?"

"Guess it can," the older Adama supposed. "But this trip was to be a vacation for you, and…"

"Well I don't want vacation," Lee cut in quickly. "But I think you do. I  _know_ you do, I saw the look on your face when you told me to send your regards to Laura Roslin."

"Lee, I can go on the next tour…"

"Why wait? If you want to go and I don't, then why wait?"

"You need a break, I can tell that."

"But not like this!" Lee was getting annoyed. Why can't anyone understand? "I don't want to go! Why can't I have something I want for a change?"

"I thought you…"

"Well, so you thought! Now stop thinking and listen: I don't want to go! Hear me? I want to stay on  _Pegasus_ and that's that."

Lee heard his father sigh on the other side. "Well, I guess it could be arranged," the Old Man said cautiously. And after a moment he added, "What does Dee think about it?"

The hard part would be telling Dee he wasn't going with her. But he would handle her – and that was what he told his father, before hastily hanging up.

Dee came in an hour later and interrupted him rearranging books on the shelf.

"I can't remember when those quarters had been so tidy," she observed, slightly amused. "And you finished with today's reports?" She brushed her fingers on the pile, shifting a few top sheets. Then she looked up at him. "Why aren't you packing?"

"You know I hate…" he started, and then he remembered. "I'm not going," he said.

"What? Why?" she appeared confused and disappointed. "I was really looking forward to it…"

"Well,  _you're_ going, just not me…" He licked his lips nervously. She scrutinized him with her green eyes, her brow furrowed. Before she had a chance to ask any questions, Lee started explaining quickly. "This was my father's idea all along. He started talking about it and thought it would be fun for me. For us. But I didn't want that." He absently straightened a fold on her uniform. "Then you were so eager when I told you, and we started planning it so quickly that I didn't even… I couldn't…"

Dee inhaled and wanted to respond, but he quickly put his fingers on her lips, stopping her from it.

"I've never wanted to go," he continued. "I want to stay, please don't push me. But you can go. There's no need for you to not have a vacation. I think the Admiral will go too; I spoke to him already. I think it will do you good. Do both of us good. You'll rest, and I ..." he gestured towards the desk, averted his eyes from the messed-up pile of documents and held back the need to straighten it right away, "I got over the slowness problem as you see. I can take care of the ship by myself for a few days."

"It was to be our honeymoon," she cut in, when he paused to take a breath.

He had known it wouldn't be easy.

"That's just a name," he reasoned. "Do we need a honeymoon? Come on Dee, it's just some old tradition. What we really need is a few days off, and this way each of us would have it how we want. If I go, it won't be relaxing."

"Then perhaps I should stay too?" she asked cautiously - and with concern.

"If you want to… but you don't have to, I know you've planned to visit some people, you've been looking forward to it, you said as much. It's okay by me."

Dee just looked at him, not convinced at all. "I'll think about it." She freed herself from his arms and went to change into her leisure clothes.

Lee sighed. It wouldn't be bad if she stayed. Wouldn't be bad at all, but… he felt guilty robbing her of well-deserved r&r. He straightened the papers on his desk. "Dad went into a lot of trouble arranging this trip for us," he said softly.

"I know that," Dee replied from the other room. "But it's you who changed his mind."

"I'm saying you don't have to not go," Lee stated firmly, walking in after her.

She was standing there, half naked, folding her uniform. His wife, his beautiful wife.

"But I'll miss you…" he whispered, coming up behind and stroking the soft skin of her shoulders, "if you go," into her hair.

She turned to him with a smile. "Promise?" she asked… unbuttoning his tunic.

 

***

 **Chapter 12: Event Horizon**

 

***

"Now  _that_ tells me that you are feeling well," Dee whispered right into his ear. A soft, warm, fuzzy whisper. She was so sweet.

He held her tight, and kissed tenderly. "I am going to miss you."

"Mm, me too." She freed herself from his embrace. "But now I have to pack a few things, and prepare for the trip. You sure..." she gazed back at him, and seeing his warning look, retreated immediately. "I know, I know. Okay. So I'll just pack my stuff. And I should get some rest before the big adventure."

Lee didn't sleep that night. He lay wide awake, going through various scenarios of the potential cylon attack on New Caprica. Each of them ended the same way - in complete annihilation of human race. There was no way the ships on the ground would lift off in time. They would have what? Half an hour? An hour? Since they'd pick the cylon transponders 'til the first nukes would fall on the town. Forty three thousand people would not be able to get organized in such a short time, even if they'd drilled it earlier. Which they hadn't of course, because nobody believed the cylons would be back.

If  _Galactica_ and  _Pegasus_ remained in orbit and fought the basestars, they'd be destroyed too, not giving the stranded civilians any cover. If the battlestars escaped, they'd be leaving the New Capricans to their inevitable doom.

And there was no way to predict the cylons' strike. Even if they sent CAP out of the nebula, or started sending raptors on some short FTL distances - which they had decided against initially, simply to avoid revealing their presence - they would not be able to see anything of value. If the cylons found the colony, they'd just come and it would be quick. Admiral Adama was a dreamer if he believed his crisis plans were worth more than a broken qubit.

Finally morning came, interrupting Commander's dark visions. Dee insisted that he walk her to the hangar deck. She kissed him lovingly and boarded the shuttle. Lee stayed alone, and somehow it didn't seem so simple any more.

After spending a few hours in a nearly empty and silent CIC, he returned to his quarters and locked himself up in their well-organized safety. Once again looked through supply requests, crew status reports, fleet crew rotations. He was tired. Tired with the day's activities and with commanding in general. And it wasn't even that hard, not really. They weren't at war, didn't have to struggle to survive the next day. It was simply tediously boring.

He lay down early. Thought it would be easy to fall asleep after the previous sleepless night, but was proven wrong. Again he lay awake until morning, and again it was hard to get up, harder than the day before, and this time there wasn't Dee to drag him out of bed. A call from a concerned Hoshi forced him to finally get to the CIC - nearly two hours late to his shift.

Again reading reports, and again this overwhelming tiredness, even heavier then before. And another sleepless night. He was hovering above a very large, very dark void, a black hole, descending slowly. Scientists were saying that, if a particle descended toward the surface of the black hole slowly, it could never touch it. But if it was fast enough it could cross the threshold, and then there was no escape from behind the event horizon.

His descent was accelerating.

The next day he didn't go to the CIC at all. Told Hoshi to take care of everything and call him only if it was absolutely necessary. Next morning he was called by Colonel Tigh.

"Commander, why aren't you at your post?"

It took a significant moment for Lee to reply. "I am at my post, Colonel. I'm in my quarters, working... working on reports."

"Lieutenant Hoshi says that you didn't show up in CIC yesterday" Tigh grumbled. Lee didn't feel like explaining himself to this man. Who was he to boss around like that? His father's buddy, who couldn't even keep the Fleet together for the few days he'd been in charge? Furthermore, even though he was the acting CO of the Fleet, Lee outranked him.

"Colonel, this is my ship," he responded slowly. "I believe you can't summon me to whatever standards you find fancy. You can report on me once the Admiral is back, right now just back off!" he terminated the connection.

Lee sat unmoving, the receiver still in his hands, staring at it for a long moment.

"Sir, do you wish me to connect you to someone else?" there came a hesitant question from the comms officer on duty.

With whom could he wish to be connected? - Lee asked himself. He didn't think, didn't deliberate. The answer appeared in his mind, as if someone switch on the light. Kara. The answer was on his lips, before he took the time to consider it.

"Get Cap... Kara Thrace. On New Caprica."

"Yes sir."

It took an hour before she was sent for, and came to the raptor that maintained communication between the ground and the sky.

"Thrace" she barked as she picked up the receiver.

Lee thought she had no idea who was calling.

"Kara... Hi..." he whispered.

"What do you want, Lee?" she asked bluntly, and he realized she had known who was on the other side from the start. How could she not know? "Why are you calling me, Lee?" she urged, while he tried to gather his thoughts.

"Uh, I... not sure..." he breathed out. Why did he call her anyway? Just wanted to hear her voice, but he couldn't tell her that. "I missed you."

"Don't do this, Lee," she whispered back. "Don't say this." There was a silence on the other side of the connection. Silence filled with her rapid breathing, gasping... He could imagine her wanting to say something and holding back at the last moment. "Is something wrong again?" she finally blurted out. "You want to kill yourself again, or something?" she almost shouted. How did she know him so well? "You're pathetic!"

What?

"Why are you calling me about this?" she kept talking too fast for him to cut it. "Why me? I'm... I'm not even your friend any more. Why don't you call your wife? Okay? You have a wife, ask her to hold your hand, because I... I don't care!" she stopped, and he could hear her breathing heavily once more. "You said it yourself - I don't owe you anything. You said not to ask you for anything, so you don't ask me either, alright? I don't care. For all I care you can go ahead and shoot yourself!" She fell silent again, and Lee was too shocked to react in any manner. "I gotta go back to my husband, you call your wife. It's better this way for each of us" she said finally and hung up.

Lee sat dumfounded for a very long moment. He couldn't gather his thoughts, couldn't... She did not care. Of course, why would she? She never did, he was the one, who... But when she actually wanted, he pushed her away. She did not care. If he died or lived. He could go ahead and... Except that he didn't feel like it. He tried to die, he had tried it before, but to no avail. It was simply too hard, required too much effort. And all he had strength to do, was to lie down and sleep. Except that he could not sleep.

Dee should be back in a day or two. Or more? How many days had passed already? Lee was confused. What happened? Just a few days ago - before Dee left - he'd felt so good, so clear-headed, and full of energy. Ever since he'd stopped taking those pills... Maybe that was the reason? Layne Ishay said... What did she say exactly? He could not remember, but there was something about six months. He had to ask her...

No matter how hard he tried later, Lee could never tell for sure what had happened during those few days Dee was off on New Caprica, and what had been a dream. There were bits and pieces of conversations with Tigh, Hoshi, Ishay. Even with Kara, but he was certain that she hadn't come up here, so that one he put under "a dream" without hesitation.

Dee seemed distant when she returned, but at first Lee believed it was his own perception of things that was off. Only a few days later, when after the meeting she gathered documents in order to work on them in her quarters - the XO quarters - he realized it was her who was acting strangely. They'd shared his quarters from the moment she had boarded Pegasus, she didn't even officially move out, or argue, or anything.

"What is your problem, Dee?" he asked, exasperated, just as she reached the hatch, and it swooshed open.

She turned around and gave him a stare. Yes, his approach was a little too harsh, but her silence and strict professionalism were simply annoying!

"I'm sorry, Dee," he corrected himself. Sighed, searching for the right words. "You seem to have an attitude," found some finally, not the most fitting, but it was better than arguing. "I want to know what's the problem, so I can..."

"Fix it?" she mocked. And then softened a little. Just a little. "Are you sure, you're ready for this?" she asked.

And even though his stomach churned in anticipation, he replied "I am," with unyielding confidence.

She assessed him for a moment, and nodded slightly. "Alright then" she exhaled, stepped away from the hatch that closed with a soft hiss, put the papers back on the table, and sat opposite from him on the sofa. "Why did you ask me to marry you?"

Lee was astounded with the simplicity of this question. It was the least frightening thing he could expect, and the answer to it was the easiest possible.

"Because I... I loved you" he stuttered, and at the doubtful look from her, added. "And I wanted to legalize our relationship. What else?" he spread his hands helplessly.

She seemed to believe in his honesty and, for Lords' sake, he could not imagine why she would have any doubts whatsoever.

"You knew that Starbuck got married, though?" she asked softly, not looking at him.

"Yes, but it..." he started and hesitated. "It had nothing to do with that. Our marriage, with hers..." he said, and he believed it, though he could vaguely remember otherwise.

"It hadn't, huh?" Dee got up, and picked up her documents again. Then she looked at him. "It's just that it seems too much of a coincidence, but if you say there's nothing to it... I'll try to believe you." She turned away and left, and Lee knew that it was going to take her some time, to really believe.

Starbuck. He'd been over Starbuck for a long time.

Colonel Tigh enlightened the Admiral about the Commander's odd behavior. Lee had to explain himself, but since his father was in a good mood after the trip, it all came to a light reprimand. Much to the Colonel's dismay.

Dee moved back with Lee a day after their conversation. He admitted to having stopped taking the pills and asked her to kick his ass if he ever tried that again. It just wasn't worth it - he'd rather be fat and able to think clearly, than turn into that miserable being he'd been for those few days.

Life returned to normal. Days were passing by just like before, each identical as another. Maintaining the battlestar was nothing more than pushing papers, even planning the defense of New Caprica City - despite the Admiral's and Colonel's efforts - was only a false occupation for the people. It worked for most of them; Kat fit into the role of CAG with eagerness and enthusiasm worth a bigger issue, but for Lee it was all a façade.

All he could do was to put it on as well. So he kept pushing papers, participated in the command team meetings onboard Galactica, talked to the fleet captains, tried to make his wife certain that he loved her, and that he'd married her for this reason only. Most of the time he was successful.

That's why the sudden return of the Sratbuck theme was rather surprising.

"Oh, and I checked the communication records of the past month." It started innocently, with Dee's seemingly matter-of-fact comment.

"Good." Lee didn't even lift his gaze, comms record was part of her responsibility.

But Dee pressed on. "And now I'm wondering if I should mention that at all..." she hesitated, and that got his attention. He looked up, and she shrugged. "Starbuck" she said as if it explained anything.

"Starbuck what?"

"Oh, it's probably nothing" Dee waved her hand dismissively. "You spoke to her a while ago, and I was wondering... Why haven't you said anything? Not that I'm jealous, I'm not... Don't want to be. And it was only once... But it would just be nice if I found out from you, not from the logs."

"I didn't speak to her" Lee objected forcefully. He did not remember talking to Starbuck!

"Well, it was..." Dee searched for the right entry, and pursed her lips as she found it. "Truth be told it was when I was on New Caprica," she stopped and looked up, expecting an explanation.

Lee tried not to put the blame on his illness, though it was tempting - to say that he did not remember anything from that time, was not responsible for his actions. That even if he had in fact called Kara, it hadn't really been him.

"I don't understand," Dee said softly, with reproach. "You felt bad, so you called her, not me?"

Damn, she thought about exactly the same thing! He had to figure out something that would make her shut up about it, and at the same time reassure her of his undivided affection. He had no idea what that conversation could have been about, though in the back of his head he was suddenly sure he remembered. He pushed it away, focusing back on his wife.

"I did call her," he stated. "Yes, I spoke to her when you were on New Caprica, I thought you meant recent entries. I didn't tell you, because I forgot, but um..." He realized he was babbling, needed to get back to the subject. "I didn't speak to her because I felt bad. No, in fact I felt good back then, you remember. It was a while before it all went downhill." Steady. A deep breath in, a deep breath out. "About Starbuck." What could be the rational reason for him to call Starbuck? "I just wanted to close some chapter of my life, that's why I called her. I needed this... closure. For my own peace of mind. That's what it was. This conversation meant the end of any relationship I ever had with Starbuck." Just as he said those words, Lee knew that was actually the truth. That conversation had been the end, thought it was not his initiative, but hers.

He'd had that dream. A dream he had forgotten about, but now he remembered. "You can shoot yourself. I don't care" she'd said. He didn't want to believe it had been real, but he knew better than that. It had happened. She really had said those words. He thought he could not get hurt by Starbuck any more, but there it was. She'd managed to do it yet again. He had to do something, he had to make himself immune to her at all cost.

And he had a purpose - he had a wife, who got hurt by Starbuck in the process as well.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you," he whispered, his voice failing him. "I just forgot all about it afterwards."

Dee came near and sat next to him on the sofa. She put her hand on his shoulders. "It's okay," she whispered, her breath tickling his ear. "I understand, and I really don't want her to get in between us any more. So let's leave it at that, okay?" She kissed him lightly, and he nodded. Let's leave it at that.  _They_ could leave it at that.

But  _he_ couldn't.

When - in turn - Starbuck asked him for help, he didn't want to comply. Even if it might cost a man's life, he was willing himself to be strong enough to resist the plea in her voice.

He was spared from making a decision, by the sudden arrival of the cylons.

***

.end

FINAL NOTE: I wrapped it up. Forgive me, dear readers, if the final chapter came out a bit too hasty, but I desperately wanted to finish this story before the Big Reveal – that "Unfinished Business" was back then. I know myself, and I knew that once the true reasons for The Rift would be out in the open, I would have no motivation to finish this story. As the rest of my BSG stories, this one was written in or around 2006.

 


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